Here is my sermon from Sunday. It was to introduce the Complaint Free World project.
In
episode 166 of Seinfeld, entitled “the strike”, we hear of an unusual holiday
that Frank Costanza had invented called Festivus, or the Festivus for the rest
of us, which was said to be created in opposition to the commercialization of
Christmas. But, in the show Festivus begins with a meal and then is followed by
a particular event, and just to test any Seinfeldians out there, what happens
after the meal? It’s the airing of grievances, or as Frank Costanza says, "I got a lotta problems with you people, and now
you're going to hear about it!" While we might not be as blunt as that, or
at least not normally, the truth is that we all do a lot of complaining. The
average person complains 15-30 times a day, and research has found that there
is not a difference in the amount of complaining between men and women, just
what they complain about. But the thing is, most of the time we don’t even
realize that we are doing it.
The first reason we don’t realize we are doing it is just
because it’s part of our everyday fabric, we complain, others complain, it’s
just there. And the second reason is that complaining is like bad breath,
according to Will Bowen, we notice it when it comes out the of the mouth of
others, but rarely do we notice it when it comes out of our mouths. And the
reason that happens, I believe, is because we don’t know the reason why others
are complaining, we don’t have their rational, and so we question the legitimacy
of others complaints. Not always, but sometimes. Whereas we feel totally
justified in our complaining. Our mind thinks it up and we say it and move on
without even normally realizing that we are doing it. There are lots of reasons
why we complain, but most of the time we simply complain just to complain,
because it’s a habit for us, it’s what we do and how we communicate. But
complaining normally doesn’t help make our lives better. In fact, normally,
complaining makes things worse for us and makes us focus on negative things
rather than focusing on the positive things.
And so when we were concluding our worship series on
gratitude I said that I was going to be challenging us as a congregation to do
the complaint free challenge for the New Year. That we as a congregation were
going to work on noticing and practicing and living into gratitude, and the
opposite of gratitude is complaining, so if we move away from complaining, it
should lead us to gratitude. That’s what Rev. Will Bowen realized when he was
preaching to his church in Kansas City. They were talking about prosperity and
he said he realized that they could never be prosperous because they didn’t
realize what they already had, and the ways they were truly blessed, because
they were complaining about their lives and what they already had. And so he
then preached a sermon on complaining, and he handed out purple bracelets to
everyone and challenged them to go 21 days without complaining. And the trick
was when they complained, they had to switch the bracelet from one wrist to the
other wrist, and start all over again on day 1. His idea took off, and more
than 10 million complaint free bracelets have now been distributed all over the
world.
The 6
millionth bracelet was given to Maya
Angelou, who has talked about complaining, with one of her most famous quotes
being “If
you don’t like something change it. If you can’t change it, change your
attitude. Don’t complain.” And if you know anything about Dr. Angelou’s life,
you know she had some things she could have complained about. What Rev. Bowen says is we are so busy
focusing on what is wrong in the world, which is what our complaining is about,
that we are perpetuating these problems, and not noticing the things that are
going well, and worse is that rarely is the complaining we do seeking to bring
about something different or seeking to change the problem. Because rarely do
we actually complain to the person we are complaining about. If we are having a
problem with our boss, we complain to our spouse or partner, or other
coworkers, and if we are having a problem with our spouse or coworkers, we
complain to our friends. That is our complaints are not leading to solving our
problems, but simply to complain.
And
so part of the complaint free challenge is to direct your issues to the person
who can actually work with you to resolve them. But what Bowen found for himself, and for millions of others who have
reported on their progress, is that it normally takes 4-8 months for people to
complete 21 days without complaining. If you do it in a month, or even 21 days,
its either because you are extraordinarily good and were not complaining a lot,
or more than likely it’s because you aren’t paying attention to the complaints
you are actually making. Just as a fish isn’t aware that it’s surrounded by
water, we too are usually not aware of the complaints we are making, until we
become cognizant of them, and believe me just in hearing me talk about
complaining, you are going to start noticing it more. And if you begin the
challenge, you will notice it even more, especially how often you do it, and so
here are the five rules for the complaint free challenge:
- While you don’t
have to wear the bracelet, you do have to wear something in your wrist for the
challenge. But this is not a sign of support to inform others you support
living complaint free. Instead this is a tool to make you aware of how often
you complain so that you can stop. It is the act of moving your bracelet that
causes you to become consciously aware of what you are doing, so you can work
to make changes.
- And so rule 2, then is switch your
bracelet with every spoken complaint. The definition of complaining is “to
express pain, grief or discontent,” so by its very definition a complaint is
spoken. What we are working on doing is
cutting back on the verbal complaints we have, and when we do that we are also
retraining our minds not to give complaining thoughts.
- Rule three is to
always know what day you are on. If you don’t know what day you are on, you’re
not taking it very seriously.
- Rule four is
don’t be a bracelet cop. Your job is to focus on your complaining, and so if
you focus on others and tell them they just complained, make sure you switch
your bracelet as well.
- And rule five is
don’t be clever. Don’t wear a bracelet on both wrists so that you never have to
switch them, and if you complain, don’t immediately complain again so that you
don’t have to switch it. It’s the repetition of the movement that is what makes
it effective. If you complain don’t say “well I messed up, now I get a free day
of complaining.” That is not effective or helpful for you.
The
purpose here is not to please the pastor, it’s to help you change your life and
the lives of those around you for the better. And you don’t have to participate,
it’s totally up to you. I would strongly encourage you to do it. And if you
start, you will notice two things will happen. One is that you will begin to
feel happier, and two you will find less things to complain about, not
necessarily because bad things stop happening, but because you have refocused
your mind away from focusing on bad things. Negative energy does attract
negative energy, but when we look for negative things we can be sure to find
them. And it’s not about the amount of good or bad stuff in our lives. I’ve
known some incredibly happy people who have had incredible tragedy in their
lives, and I’m sure you have too, but they choose to focus on the positive and
by doing so they stay positive. We create the reality of how we perceive the
world. If we want it to be negative, it will be negative, and if we want it to
be positive we can find positive. It’s that whole give thanks in all situations
thing that Paul tells us to do.
Now,
if I say “It’s cold today,” is that a complaint? It could be dependent upon how
I say it, the tone of my voice, but it’s really just a statement of fact. But
if I say, “Man, can you believe how cold it is today,” or I sigh and say “it’s
cold again today,” it’s a complaint. Remembering that a statement of fact is
not a complaint. But tone of voice or other things can give indication for
complaints. If you sound like Eeyore, it’s probably a complaint. Another example, someone asked me if they stub
their toe and say “Darn it that hurt” although it was a certain other d word.
And so I said, “Is that a statement of fact?” and they said yes, because it
hurt. And I responded, it hurts is fact, but the darn it is not fact, but
commentary, and thus a complaint.
Additionally,
gossiping is considered complaining, and so if you are gossiping you need to switch
your bracelet, and the decision making is if you would say the same thing with
the same tone of voice to the person if they were present as you are saying
when they are not there. And the one that will be hardest for me is sarcasm is
also a complaint, and here is something I didn’t know. The Latin root is sarco
which literally means “tearing of the flesh.” Sarcasm is a critical statement
couched in the context of telling a joke, but it’s still a criticism and thus a
complaint. Eckhart Tolle summed it up this way: “Complaining is not to be
confused with informing someone of a mistake or a deficiency so that it can be
put right. And refraining from complaining doesn’t necessarily mean putting up
with bad behavior. There is no ego in telling the waiter your soup is cold and
needs to be heated up – if you stick to the facts, which are always neutral. ‘How
dare you serve me cold soup…?’ that’s complaining.” A complaint often has a
sense of being a counterattack for a perceived injustice, or a “this is unfair”
or “how dare this happen to me” quality to it.
And
there are times in which complaining is okay, read the Psalms, read
lamentations. There are acceptable times for complaints, but the 15-30 times a
day
we do it are not productive and not
healthy and not the Biblical complaints. There are some who will argue that
getting these things out is healthy, and for the major events that is true, but
if complaining made you healthier and happier then the happiest people in the
world, and the healthiest, would be those who complain all the time. Anyone
know anyone for whom that is true? No, because people who complain all the time
tend to be the unhappiest people we know, why? Because all they are see and
focus on and talk about are negative things, and so they are negative people
and bad things continually happen to them.
Dr.
Robin Kowalski, is a professor of Psychology at Clemson University, whose Ph.D.
thesis was on complaining, and she found that there were five basic reasons why
people complain, which Rev. Bowen turned into a mnemonic device, and so very
quickly, so that you don’t start complaining about how long this message is,
here they are:
People
complain to
Get Attention – Sort of
speaks for itself. They want attention and can’t think of a more positive way
to do it, and so they complain, and remember that if you always give grease to
the squeaky wheel it will keep squeaking and so find ways to turn it around.
Since you know they want attention, ask them questions about their life,
hobbies, family, whatever you want. And if they keep complaining, redirect the
conversation and ask it “So, what’s going well with” whatever it is they are complaining
about. Then keep asking the same question until they give you a positive
answer, and one of two things will happen. They will either tell you something
positive, or they will get tired of hearing the question and go away, and
either way you win.
People
complain to
Remove Responsibility –
this is why something is impossible to do, or why they didn’t do what they
said, because traffic was bad, or you can’t fight city hall, or it’s a
management decision. It is to remove blame from themselves and put it somewhere
else, often to explain their own lack of effort or why they can’t do something.
You know this is the complaint if you offer a way to correct it, why don’t you,
and they say, yes but. So the way to overcome this is to say “yes, but if it
were possible, how would you do it?” and reinforce your belief in their ability
to get it done and again say “yes, but if it were possible, how would you do
it?” Put the onus back on them to find an answer and a solution.
The
third reason people complain is to
Inspire
Envy – this is people doing a humble brag by saying that they don’t have
the trait about which they are complaining. So, “my boss is so stupid,” is
saying “I am so smart, and if I was in charge things would be much better”
People who are complaining to inspire envy are wanting you to complement them,
and so do that, but without giving into their complaint. So if they say “so and
so is never on time” say “the thing I appreciate about you is your
punctuality.” Or “they don’t have any fashion sense,” respond “the thing I like
about you is you always dress so well.” You are not agreeing with them in the
complaints, but you are giving them what you want and so are stopping the
behavior.
The
fourth reason is
Power. In any
group, including the church, there are power dynamics and play and people
fighting for power, and so what power complaining does is try and purchase
power by recruiting soldiers to fight on their side, to build support against a
rival should a power struggle arise. They are saying “if it ever comes down to
me against them, here are the reasons you should be on my side.” The way to
stop this is to show first that your loyalty is not for sale and don’t get
involved, or stuck in the middle, and most importantly to stop the
triangulation that is taking place, and say “it sounds like you have a problem
with this person, so you should really talk with them about it, and I would be
happy to help facilitate that conversation, but I’m not going to be in the
middle.” And if or when it continues, keep saying “you really need to talk with
them about this.” When you show that you won’t be involved, they will either
take their complaints elsewhere, stop complaining or go to the person they
should be talking to about the problem.<
And
the final reason people complain is to
Excuse
Poor Performance. This is different than removing responsibility, which is
often about inaction, but this takes place after something has happened. Have
you ever watched a tennis match and the player makes a bad shot, and they
immediately look at their racket and maybe adjust the strings? What are they
doing there? They are saying that the bad shot was not their fault, it was the
rackets fault. This is “the sun got in my eyes” or “I was hit before I made the
shot” or “I didn’t have the right equipment to do the job.” It’s an attempt to
rationalize away what happened and say that it wasn’t your fault. And so the
question to ask is “what are you going to do differently next time?” That is
what have you learned, and how are you going to incorporate that into your
life?”
Not
complaining is not a talent, it’s a skill, and like any skill it can be
acquired simply be doing it, or not doing it again and again. And it takes your
time and dedication, especially when it seems so hard at the beginning, but
like any skill it gets easier the more you do it. And so if you take on the
challenge, here is what it will look like. It will be day 1 and then day 1 and
then day 1 and then day 1, and you’ll go like that for a while and then it will
be day 2, and then day 1, and then day 2 and day 3 and maybe day 4, and then
day 1, and you keep working at it until you get 21 days in a row, which again
normally takes 4-8 months on average, and then you keep going.
And
here is my theological argument for why we should be doing this. In Romans Paul
says “Do not conform to the pattern of this
world, but be transformed by
the renewing of your mind.” The pattern of this world is complaining,
and by not complaining we are actually renewing our minds. But here is the even
more important piece and that is that we are to proclaim the good news of Jesus
Christ, our savior, and that should be a cause of celebration. Do we bring good
news by complaining? Do we bring good news by conforming to the ways of the
world? Do we bring good news by always talking about negative things? No. Our
lives should reflect the good news we have received. Our actions should reflect
the good news we have received. Our words should reflect the good news we have
received and words are important and have meaning, and we know that because we
proclaim the word made flesh who came to dwell amongst us as transforming the
world.
And so what we say should matter and our complaining all the time does
not match who we are called to be. and even worse is that we are told not to
take the Lord’s name in vain, which we often attribute to words we say about
God, but what if taking the Lord’s name in vain is to proclaim our allegiance to
God but then living as anything but disciples of Christ, of setting a bad
example for what Christians are, or allowing people to think bad things about
Christians or about God because of what we do and say. What if that is what it
means to take God’s name in vain? We are called to give thanks and praise in
all situations and so I challenge you this year to take on this activity to
find the positives in situations so that we can learn to complain when we truly
need to express pain, grief and distress, and to learn to be happier in all
other situations. I pray that it will be so my brothers and sisters. Amen.
