I can be an angry driver. Not like cutting people off and then slamming my brakes angry, but calling people not nice names, or responding to things they do. So, for example, the other day a woman decided to make a turn in front of me, when I clearly had the right of way, and so I hit my brakes and honked at her. She in turn hit her horn, as if I was the problem, and flipped me off, and so I returned then gesture and then quickly thought “I hope that’s not a member of the church.” Now the positive side of this is that the girls are learning the rules of driving, because when I say something like “what are you doing idiot?” they will ask me what the other person did, and then I explain how what they did was wrong. Or at least the positive parts is the story I tell myself. Of course, the things I yell at the tv, especially when the Yankees are playing can be even worse. But, the problem is that by saying the things I do, and reacting the way I do, I am also teaching them many negative things as well, and some of the things that we are told not to do in scripture, and in particular in the book of Proverbs, and so we continue in our series on Proverbs looking at anger and the power of the words we use.
Now we may say that sticks and stones may break our bones but words will never hurt us, and even though that rhymes and therefore has the ring of truth to it, we know that it’s not true. That, in fact, words not only can hurt, but they do hurt, and can do considerable damage to us and to others. Words are powerful things, and we should understand this as Christians because we know that words matter, that they can make a difference, that they can change the entire world because we proclaim that Jesus was the word made flesh. The Word made flesh, and so words matter, but how much attention do we really pay to the words we use, the words we say, how we say them, or even the thought process that goes behind them, even if we don’t say them. Do we understand the power they can hold over us and over others?
In two of the proverbs we heard this morning, we are told that “rash words are like sword thrusts” that us they can cut just as much as a sword, and cut as deeply, and we know it’s so, and secondly that “death and life are in the power of the tongue” and that we will eat of the fruits that our tongue generates. Or as the Message translates it, “Words kills, words give life; they’re either poison or fruit – you choose.” As I said last week, what the Proverbs routinely tells us, and this one directly tells us, is that we have two paths we can follow, the way of wisdom or the way of folly or foolishness, and perhaps in few other places is this as important as the words we use and the things we do with the power of our tongue. Do we think of that on a daily basis? Do we pay attention to our words and our anger and our reaction to them? Probably not as much as we should.
I couldn’t find a count as to how many proverbs are actually contained in the book of Proverbs, nor did I take the time to count them myself, but there are around 150 proverbs that deal with anger and words and the mouth. Outside of those that talk about wisdom or folly, this has to be close to the most of any theme found in Proverbs. Of those, we only heard a small sampling of them in this morning’s readings, but I hope it began to give you a feel for what these proverbs sound like. Now this emphasis on the power of words is not unique to Proverbs. We find similar things in other areas of scripture and we have our own modern proverbs or sayings about anger and the power of words, things like: someone who gossips to you, will gossip about you; honesty is the best policy; when angry the tongue works faster than the mind; a word spoken is past recalling, and of course the afore mentioned sticks and stones.
In the letter of James, found in the new testament, and said to be written by James, the brother of Jesus, and the first bishop of the church, he writes that though the tongue is small, “yet it boasts of great exploits. How great a forest is set ablaze by a small fire! And the tongue is a fire.” Indeed, James, says, “if any think they are religious, and do not bridle their tongues but deceive their hearts, their religion is worthless.” Now I mention James here, because of the books in the New Testament, his is clearest in the continuation of the wisdom tradition found in the Hebrew scriptures, of which proverbs is one, and at the beginning of the letter even instructs people to ask God for wisdom, but James also understands the power that the tongue plays, both to do good, to proclaim love and healing, or as he says, to live the royal law of loving our neighbor as ourselves. But, he also understands the power of the tongue to bring evil and destruction. What James wanted to make clear was that we say was just as important as what we do in proclaiming our faith. If our actions didn’t match what it means to be a Christian, it was a problem, and if our words didn’t match it was also a problem, and maybe even more of one because our words revealed what was happening on the inside. They revealed who we truly are and what we think.
Jesus says the same thing in today’s passage, in a conversation that the disciples initially think is just about eating foods that are not kosher, Jesus tells them not to worry about what they put into their mouths goes into the stomach and then into the sewer, and thus does not defile anyone. But, Jesus says “what comes out of the mouth proceeds from the heart, and this is what defiles. For out of the heart come evil intentions, murder, adultery, fornication, theft, false witness, slander. These are what defile a person.” While we still understand things coming from the heart, the way it was understood in the ancient world was how we would now think of the mind, or our thinking, or who we are. The words we use, the things we say, how we react to others, reveals who we truly are, it reveals the things we think we can keep hidden from others. And what proverbs says about this is that while you can try and cover your thoughts for a while, and thus put forth a false front, or more bluntly lies, which are wrong, but that eventually the truth will come out. You cannot hold up the false image forever, eventually what you really think, who you really are, what you really want to say will come out and you will be revealed. So, Jesus says pay attention to what others say, because it is revealing, but, more importantly, pay attention to what you say, because while you cannot control others you can control yourself. We can control how we respond, whether we respond to anger with anger, or to hate with hate, whether we offer soft words or harsh words, whether we offer words that cut or words that heal. There are two paths we can choose, the right way or the wrong way, the way of wisdom or the way of folly, the way of hate or the way of peace. I found a presentation that begins to present what that looks like, so take a look…
What is the difference between the two ways that Books Gibbs responds to the comments being made to him. One time he responds with anger and animosity, which only serves to escalate the situation, and later in the video the two students say that his first response actually made it easier for them to be mean to him. His negativity made it easier for them to be negative. The feelings fed off each other. But, when he responded not with more negativity, but instead simply with kindness, keeping an even tone, even agreeing with them at points about what they had to say, it totally defused the situation. One of the proverbs we heard today says “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” There is a reason why Jesus told us to turn the other cheek. It’s not so we would be stepped all over, and I don’t think that Gibbs is saying that if someone calls you an idiot that you have to agree with them, but instead to take a higher road, the road away from escalation and confrontation, because no one wins in those situations, and as Christians we are called to do and to be more, we will be known, Jesus says, by the love that we show, not by the anger or harsh words that we show.
Now anger, by itself, is morally neutral. It is neither good nor bad, what matters is why we are angry and what we are going to do with it. There are good reasons to be angry, and we even see this in scripture. We should be angry about injustice. We should be angry about racism and sexism and bigotry taking place, and we should see to channel that anger into making changes for the positive, to make things better, not just to tear things down. So how do we do that?
The first is to recognize when we are getting angry and then rather than reacting out in anger, instead to take a step back, to be slow in our response. Part of that is discipline, which plays a large role in the wisdom of proverbs. Normally when we think of discipline, we think of it as punishment, but discipline also has the meaning of control and training and structure. If you want to run a marathon, for example, then you have to discipline yourself and your schedule and all the other things that go into it to make that goal a reality. Because it’s much easier to respond to anger with anger, to harsh words with harsh words, that means we have to discipline ourselves to respond differently and to act differently. Some of this is paying attention to the words we use, and this starts with how we understand anger, or other emotions. So, for example, we usually say “I am angry.” The verb to be is a pretty strong verb, and it has to do with identity. So, we say “I am a student, or a doctor, or a minister, or retired” or whatever it might be. That is part of our identity, and so when we say, “I am angry” or “I am sad” or even “I am happy” we are saying that’s our identity, which takes on longer term ramification, rather than being something that could be temporary. So, we don’t say “I am a fever” “I am cancer” “I am flu.” Instead, we say I have a fever, etc. and yes, I know we do say things like “I am sick,” but perhaps we shouldn’t. Instead, I would propose that we say things like “I have anger” which means that it is temporary, it is not who we are. Which thirdly, means that we have control over how we respond. When we react out in anger to something that someone has done to us, and feel that we have to, it’s allowing others to control our lives, to make choices for us, rather than being in control. This is part of that self-disciple, and to remember that “to watch over mouth and tongue is to keep out of trouble.” So, take a deep breath, count to ten, and take a moment to let yourself catch up to your mind before you respond. Proverbs says, “even fools who keep silent are considered wise.”
Next is to remember that not only can your words do damage to others, but they also do damage to you. If you respond with anger to others, when you strike out against others, it can’t help but do damage to you, because it moves you away from peace and healing. As the corollary to that, it is also important to remember that those who strike out at you are probably also expressing their own inner pain. In a quote I read this week from James Baldwin from 1965 that still resonates with recent events, Baldwin said "You know, no one can be dismissed as a total monster. I’m sure [the racist] loves his wife, his children…. But he doesn’t know what drives him to use the club, to menace with the gun and to use the cattle prod. Something awful must have happened to a human being to be able to put a cattle prod against a woman’s breasts, for example. What happens to the woman is ghastly. What happens to the man who does it is in some ways much, much worse.” Part of that is to also recognize that pain, and what might be driving another person.
Seth Godin has recognized the difference between fighters and boxers. Fighters are people who fight because they have to, or feel they have to. Their backs are against the wall or they see something happening that they just can’t tolerate. It’s urgent, but also temporary. A boxer, on the other hand is someone who fights just because they like to fight. It’s a hobby, or a profession for them. They don’t have to, but they want to. Television is filled with professional boxers who just like to argue and fight, and so arguing with such people, responding to the punches they want to throw will never get you ahead, and you will never win, because all they are interested in is to fight. Proverbs says about people like this “as charcoal is to hot embers and wood to fire, so is a quarrelsome person for kindling strife,” but we are to remember “For lack of wood the fire goes out, and where there is no whisperer” no instigator “quarrelling ceases.”
Finally, to help us in watching our words, let us work as if everything we say would be known to the entire world, which they might be. I am continually amazed at people who post on Facebook or twitter or somewhere else on the internet and then are amazed that it wasn’t private. So, a question to ask yourself is, if what you say was to be broadcast on the news tonight, would you be happy with that, or would you want to take it back. Or perhaps you can ask “If my mom heard this would she be happy?” That might help us not to say a lot of things that we do say. Jesus says that what comes out of our mouth is important because it reveals who we are, and Proverbs tells us that our words, when they are said to cut, can be like sword thrusts, and that death and life come from the power of the tongue, and we will eat the fruit that they produce. Words do matter, so choose your words carefully. I pray that it will be so my brothers and sisters. Amen.
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