Reconciliation

Here is my message from Sunday. The passage was on reconciliation from 2 Corinthians.

I have a clergy colleague who was sexually abused by her father when she was a child. As often happens, to help cover the pain, she turned to drugs and alcohol as a teen and in her young adult years. She also cut off all relationship with her father and had no intention of ever seeing or talking to him again. Although she and I have not discussed this part, I also imagine that she wanted really bad things to happen to him, and who could blame her? After she got clean, and as part of the 12 step program she was in started making amends to others that she had hurt, seeking their forgiveness, she also came to the realization that she had hurt her parents too, maybe not as much as she had been hurt, but that she needed to reach out to them, and she did. What she also did was to set parameters around that and tell her father that what he did was wrong, and how it had hurt her, and the levels of mistrust and pain it had inflicted in her life. He in turn made a confession of guilt and was ready to do whatever was necessary to help them have a relationship again, and also knew that that might not be possible and that he was responsible for that. But she was willing to forgive and they have reconciled their relationship. That is sort of the best case scenario of the forgiveness process, and it is not one that is possible for everyone. She does not have any children and I often wonder if she did if that would have changed that outcome.

In talking about forgiveness, Rev Dr. Martin Luther King Jr, said “we can never say, ‘I will forgive you, but I won’t have anything further to do with you.’ Forgiveness means reconciliation, a coming together again. Without this, no man can love his enemies. The degree to which we are able to forgive determines the degree to which we are able to love our enemies.” Now I don’t want to be one to disagree with Rev. King, but here I’m going to disagree with Dr. King. As I said in the first message on forgiveness one of the myths or untruths of forgiveness is that it has to lead to reconciliation, but I don’t think that’s the case because sometimes it’s just not safe to be reconciled, and sometimes it’s not safe for either party to be reconciled. And so how do we make that distinction? Some of that comes from what we hope to accomplish in a reconciliation process and that is something that can begin with us as part of our process of giving forgiveness, and it can also begin with a person seeking forgiveness, and that former is the way it has often been done.

In the passage we heard from Matthew today, it begins with an injunction about anger, and the dangers therein, which is something to take to heart because often when we think about the things that people have done to us, the things we need to forgive, the emotion most felt, or at least times is anger. And anger, while it can be healthy, often leads to destructive behaviors, because hurt people hurt people. And so, the process of forgiveness helps us to move past that so that it doesn’t seep out in destructive ways, or get held against us because of the behavior it causes us to do. But then Jesus gives this example of someone going to the altar to make a sacrifice, but then he says “if you remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go; first be reconciled with your brother or sister, and then come and offer your gift.” Now this is not an insignificant instruction, because it could have taken someone several days to travel to Jerusalem to the Temple to make this offering, which means they would have to travel several days back, not accomplishing their goal, seek to reconcile, and then travel back to Jerusalem. Jesus is saying that this reconciliation thing is a pretty big and important deal. More important than the religious obligation that takes them to Jerusalem to make the offering. And it is to reconcile with the person that we have hurt. This is the offender doing the work of seeking forgiveness and making the effort at reconciliation, not the one who was injured.

And that was the common position in the ancient world. When reconciliation is discussed in other Greek writings outside of scripture, it is often surrounding warring parties, often in military conflict, but also in conflicts between citizens and married couples. And this reconciliation has the connotation of people who had been at enmity with each other coming to terms of friendship and peace. But in every other writing on this, it is the work of the offending party, whether an individual, or a representative of the offending group, who goes to the offended party and makes an offer so they will stop their hostility and anger. Basically, they will go and seek forgiveness as we are dealing with it in this series. That’s what Jesus is also instructing. But Paul, as we see in 2 Corinthians, a letter which I should note is largely about conflict between Paul and the church in Corinth, gives us a different direction for reconciliation. Here it is God, who is the offended party, and we are the offenders because of our sin. And yet, God, through Christ not only seeks reconciliation, God completes the reconciliation, and it is the world that is reconciled back to God, not God to the world, but the actions all come from God. This is a new way of reconciliation, and as we are then called to the ministry of reconciliation with others it is then not omni-directional of the offender to the offended, but like God, we can, as the offended party, also seek reconciliation with the person, or persons who hurt us, and in many ways that is what we are called to do. That, I think is what Dr. King was emphasizing, as well as the injunction to love and pray for our enemies.

But the question we have to come back to is that, even if reconciliation is the ideal, is it the requirement, and again, my answer is no. and I give that answer for several reasons. The first is that reconciliation does require a genuine confession of guilt by the offending party as well as a desire to change their behavior. While God can reconcile humanity even without that, God certainly has that prerogative, with the understanding that to recognize and know that reconciliation that we have to repent, which literally means to turn around. To stop doing what we are doing and go a different direction. But in our interpersonal relationships, if someone is unrepentant of their wrongdoing then reconciliation becomes nearly impossible. This is especially true if the behavior is simply going to continue, or be enabled through the act of forgiveness. Again, as an example, if you are being abused, then you have to get out of that situation, forgiveness does not allow that abuse to continue. And if you were abused and the abuser refuses to admit to their wrongdoing, or wants to place the blame on us as the victim, then reconciliation cannot happen because that is not a safe situation. Additionally, sometimes there are relationships that just bring out the worst in both parties, and therefore reconciliation is not healthy or appropriate. If a relationship leads to more brokenness rather than healing or wholeness, or at least the ability to have healing or wholeness, then reconciliation is probably not the appropriate take. Sometimes not being in relationship, or suspending it until a much later date, thinking of Joseph and his brothers from last week as an example, is the road we need to follow. That does not mean that we don’t forgive, it just means that we forgive without having reconciliation as a final act of the forgiveness process.

So, what do we do if someone comes to us seeking forgiveness and seeking to reconcile? This can be a sort of best case scenario. But it depends on why they are coming to us. Is it because they are genuinely repentant, are seeking to make a change, or is it merely to assuage their own guilt for what they did, seeking to remove their pain and guilt, but not change? One is welcome the other is not. Often how we can tell the difference is one if they talk about changes they have made, and we can actually see that happening, or if they are demanding that we forgive them. The first shows genuine remorse, and the second says that it is about them, not about us. So, remember, forgiveness is a choice we freely choose to give, and it cannot be demanded or expected, and if that is the expectation then it probably comes from a place that is not healthy for either party. Also remembering that one of the things that forgiveness can do, and this is important for the idea of reconciliation, is to free not only us of our notions about who the offending party is, as we lock them into what they have done and never imagine that they can ever change or be anything different. But forgiveness frees us and says that change is possible, that no one is above redemption because reconciliation with God is possible for all. And then in that moment it can also free them from being locked in that moment, of not only seeing redemption as possible, but also claiming that possibility and that hope of changing, of repenting, and becoming the person that God wants them to be, wants all of us to be, and therefore making reconciliation possible in a relationship where we never thought reconciliation could ever happen.

If we do want reconciliation to play a part in our forgiveness process then we do need to confront the person who hurt us, and as I said last week that can be a difficult process, and if you missed that message I would encourage you to listen to it or watch it, it was about forgiveness in families, because you will want to be and need to be ready for that conversation. And again, it is possible for you as part of the reconciliation process to have some demands, or things they need to do in order to begin the process. Now these things cannot be things we want simply to punish them, or get back at them for what they did. That too is not forgiveness. But setting up boundaries as is completely appropriate. Seeking some restitution, if that is available or appropriate, is completely fine. Telling them they need to get into treatment of counseling is completely appropriate. With the huge caveat that you cannot make them do any of those things, and if they don’t want to do any of them that’s their decision, and we need to respect it, we don’t have to like it, but we also don’t have to move back into relationship with them.

The final piece is that we need to approach them in this process seeing them not as evil, or less than human, but as a broken human, just like we are, whom is also beloved of God, because that is what the passage from 2 Corinthians is telling us about all of creation. That everyone has been reconciled to God because of Christ, everyone is beloved by God through Christ, and everyone is not just seen as worthy, but is worthy of forgiveness and to be loved. The definition I have been using for forgiveness comes to us from Dr. Joanna North who says, “When unjustly hurt by another, we forgive when we overcome the resentment toward the offender, not by denying our right to the resentment, but instead by trying to offer the wrongdoer compassion, benevolence and love.” That will play a huge role as we talk about forgiving ourselves next week, but it also helps us to think about reconciling with those who have hurt us.

All of us, everyone, has been given reconciliation because of Christ, and because of that we too are called to a ministry of reconciliation. Sometimes it is possible to be reconciled, and sometimes its important for that to happen, as I know many people who wish they had done so only after it was too late for it to happen. But, sometimes reconciliation is not only not appropriate, but to do so can be destructive to us and even the other person. In those places we can still forgive in order to move into the future with hope and we can also still see the wrongdoer with compassion, benevolence and love, praying for them, wishing them the best and hoping that they will find the reconciliation with God they need to bring healing and wholeness to their lives, and in those prayers,  we can still be agents, missionaries, of reconciliation. I pray that it will be so my brothers and sisters. Amen.