After last week’s message on practicing praise, I had a lot of people coming up to me to give me thanks, and so then I had to decide whether it was just everyone working on practicing praise, especially the injunction not to let people assume you are appreciated, but to tell them, or if there were lots of people who decided to practice the kindness challenge on me. But, since one of the things we are working on is assuming the best of intentions for others, I am going to go with the first answer. Today we conclude in our series on the Kindness Challenge, which is based off a book by the same name by Shaunti Feldhahn, and so a quick recap of the three rules of the kindness challenge. The first rule is to nix the negativity, that is we are not to say anything negative to the person we are doing the kindness challenge for, not to say anything negative about them to someone else. The second rule is practice praise, that is as we start to stop focusing on the negative we instead look for positives and to give one piece of praise or affirmation about someone else every day, and tell someone else what you praised them for. If you missed either of those messages, I would encourage you to go back and listen to them, which then leads us into the final rule, which we cover today, and that is to carry out kindness, or to do a small act of kindness or generosity for the person you are doing the kindness challenge for every day, and to do all three of these steps for 30 days, although you don’t have to stop there.
Additionally, while the kindness challenge asks you to do each of these things every day for 30 days, and really you can practice these for anyone and at any time. And the truth is if we want the world to be a kinder place, then it has to start with us. If we want people to be kinder, then we need to be kinder. And what’s more we shouldn’t be doing any of these actions with the expectation that we will get anything in return. We do them simply because they are the right things to be doing, the way that we should be living. And we of course hear that quite a bit in scripture. As we heard in James today, he says that we are to be doers of the world, not just hearers, which is a preview of him saying that faith without works is dead.
Now we started out this series also hearing from James that
the tongue is the most powerful muscle in the body at that it can set the world
on fire, that the same tongue that blesses God also curses those made in the
image of God, and he says this shouldn’t be so. Which is a reminder of the
power of words that words can build up and tear down, bring healing or
destruction, give life or death. And so he is saying the same thing here that
anyone who thinks they are religious but do not bridle their tongue, do not
contain and control their tongue, their religious is worthless. Pretty strong
language. But if we are to be known as disciples then everything we do has to
be is service of that discipleship. And so what this third rule is saying is
that it’s not just our words that do that, by nixing the negative and
practicing praise, but also our actions in carrying out kindness. One of the
fruit of the Spirit is kindness, and so if we are living out our faith, then we
should be living out kindness and practicing kindness. It should be a part of
how people know us and what they see us do.
We also remember that patience is also one of the fruit
which is definitely one of the ways that we can practice kindness in doing a
mall act of kindness or generosity every day is to practice and live out
patience. This is most especially true with those people who exasperate us, and
maybe that’s the person you are doing the kindness challenge for, because it’s
not just strangers or acquaintances who can exasperate us, but it’s probably
most prevalent with those who are closest to us, often because we are not only
around them more but because we have higher expectations and lower shields. That
is we are much more likely to take our frustration and anger out on our loved
ones than strangers for many reasons, but one of them is because they are safe.
They are safe for us to express all that we are feeling, and we expect them to
keep loving us even when we do it.
And so patience is a great way to practice kindness and a
great act of generosity, and it can go both ways. We can be patient when we are
being exasperated and demonstrate that patience, some of which is in nixing our
negative. But we can also be patient with our loved ones when they are acting
in ways that we would prefer they not act, and a corollary of carrying out
kindness is not to respond in kind when we are attacked or hurt. Showing
patience, gentleness and forgiveness. That can be a truly generous act of
giving as James says. But, let me say that this is not to excuse bad behavior
and definitely not abuse. We have to understand context for things, but
kindness is not about being someone’s punching bag. We can love them and pray
for them, but we don’t have to stand by and allow that to continue, and in fact
I would argue that kindness calls for us to call it out and say it’s not
acceptable, remembering that kindness is not niceness, and so abuse is not
something we have to tolerate. And for those who then would say that Jesus
tells us to turn the other cheek, as we heard in today’s passage, I would
remind you that what Jesus is saying there is not to accept violence, but in
fact to turn it around and point it out for what it is, and we talked about
that last fall in our series on the Beatitudes and the deadly sins, so go back
and watch the series on being a peacemaker.
But, to build on the idea of patience, another gift we can give
is to assume the best of intentions for others rather than assuming the worst.
We talked a little bit about this last week, but we want people to assume the
best for us, and we do that because we know our own thought process and why we
are doing something. But we don’t return that for others. And for those who are
close to us, the more likely it is that they didn’t do what they did to hurt
us, but it hurt us more because they are close. Perhaps they just don’t understand
how much it hurt us, or why it hurts us. Assuming the best can help us to move
past that hurt, or gives us the opportunity to be able to explain to them why
what they have done, or continue to do, is hurtful. When we talked about sarcasm being negative
language, I said that it actually took this book to help me see and understand
why Linda felt hurt when I used sarcasm. I certainly didn’t want to hurt her
and I think she assumed the best of intentions in my continuing to do it that
it was not done out of evil intent. If she looked for a more generous
explanation for my behavior she could have seen that that is how my brothers
and I communicate, and see that therefore it was a form of love, just sort of
warped and in need of correction which I work on all the time. And let me be
clear one more time, this is not about enabling behavior or opening ourselves
up to being hurt, but about practicing kindness to others and to treating them
the way we would like to be treated.
Another great way to carry out kindness is to be genuinely
interested in the other person, not as a way to get something, other than to
get to know them better. Ask them questions about themselves, and yes this is
even true for spouses and partners. There is normally always something more you
can learn about them, and so ask them questions and actually engage with them.
that means putting down your phone or turning off the TV or whatever it might
be and be focused solely on them for a
period of time, which you may remember is part of an alternative to the first
rule, to give your full attention to the person you are doing the challenge for
for 15 minutes every day. And not only is that valuable, what is really the
most valuable thing we can give someone else? It’s our time, and so giving our
time can be a tremendous gift for others. And while you can certainly give
gifts that cost money, and we’ll get there, giving of your time often says even
more about what we consider important because where we spend our time says
what’s important to us. We’ve known about this for a long time, and some of us
may have even read How to Win Friends and Influence People, which calls for
these same things, but somehow, we forget to do them.
And as we are being genuinely interested in the other
person, sometimes that requires entering into their world and being interested
in what they are interested in. One of the examples that Shaunti Feldhahn gives
is a mom who was doing the challenge for her son, and rather than continuing to
fight with him about video games, she decided to have him teach her his
favorite game and then they played together. Once she showed interest then he
was more open to limits on time, and an even bigger bonus was that he then
bragged to his friends that his mom played with him, which was more than the
others could say, and so she became the cool mom. Or another couple I knew at
another church bought an RV so they could travel to NASCAR events all over the
country. And when I asked the wife if she liked NASCAR, she said “no, but I
love my husband.” Sometimes our gift is spending time doing things we might not
like, but for which our other person loves to do.
The flip side of that is that sometimes a gift is to tell
the person we are doing the challenge for what we need and what they can do for
us. and I know some people will say “I shouldn’t have to tell them, they should
know.” But, rather than continuing to be frustrated or continuing to set the
other person up to fail over and over again, possibly because they are just
obtuse, and remembering that patience thing, and be proactive. I can speak from
experience that we are not always as smart or knowledgeable about others as we
should be. So be honest, because that’s much better than having to let the
other person experience your disappointment because you are getting what you
want or need. For the most part, people want to please other people, especially
those with whom we are close, we don’t want to be disappointments to others, so
don’t set people up to continually disappoint you.
Another simple gift is that of physical intimacy. We are
social beings and so physical touch is incredibly important. Now obviously the
level of this differs greatly depending upon the relationship. If you are doing
the kindness challenge for a coworker, for example, please be appropriate in
what you do and always remember that people have bodily integrity and people
often have very different standards and comfort levels when it comes to physicality.
But sometimes a simple touch on the arm or shoulder lets others know they are
not alone and that others care for them. And when it comes to a partner or
spouse, when a couple is fighting often one of the first things that goes away
is physical contact, but what studies have shown is that intimacy in a
relationship improves closeness, tenderness and happiness, and let me make
clear that this is more than just about marital relations. Sometimes a touch or
a hug during an argument can make a huge difference. Touch is incredibly
important for our emotional and physical well-being.
And that then leads us to what most people automatically
think of when we talk about doing an act of kindness or act of generosity and
that is either something more concrete or buying something for someone else,
and there is certainly a place for that. Again for a spouse or partner pick up
flowers not because you did something wrong, but just because. Share something
with them, like something with sugar. Buy someone a cup of coffee that they
like, or take them to lunch. Small acts can make a big difference. And we just
went through a lot of acts that don’t require any money, and the same is true
here. Put paper in the copy machine or replace the toner, even though it’s not
your job. Write them a note, maybe even as part of your practicing praise. Do
the dishes when it’s not your turn. Take out the trash because it needs to be
taken out. Pick up milk on the way home because you noticed you were out.
These are all little things, and they don’t have to
necessarily cost you anything except your time, which is one of the most
valuable gifts we have to give. When we do these things, we can do them
anonymously, but they have to be visible so that the other person will notice
it and know that someone cares. We often want to complicate these things by
thinking it has to be a large, or possibly expensive gesture, but they don’t,
and in fact the more simple and ordinary we keep the more impactful it may be
over time. The other piece is not to become so focused on figuring out what to
do for an act of kindness the we ignore, the first two rules, Instead, do all
three at the same time, and to repeat again, what follow-up surveys have shown
was that while more than half of people who did just one of the rules reported
improved relationships, nearly 90% of those who did all three reported a better
relationship. And if you need help, or suggestions in working the rules, and
you haven’t already started the kindness challenge, you can go to
jointhekindnesschallenge.com and register and you will get daily tips based on
who you are doing the challenge for.
And while Jesus tells us that we should do acts of kindness without expecting anything in return, what we so often find is that we get from the world what we put into the world. And Jesus, of course, even says that, “for the measure you give will be the measure you get back.” Just after talking about the fruit of the spirit Paul says that you will reap what you sow, or as the Beatles said “in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.” And so if we want the world to be more kind, then we have to be kind. If we want to receive more kindness, then we have to be kind. If we want to be known as Jesus disciples, then we have to be kind. So, in concluding our series on kindness, let me leave you with these last steps. As you begin to practice kindness in your life remember to always look for things to be grateful for, and to give thanks. People who record their gratitude not only report being happier when they are doing it, but even a month later if they have stopped, they still report being happier. Second is to record what you are doing each day, and what the response is to those actions. Don’t just look for ways to practice kindness, but look for what happens when you are kind, not just for the recipients of your kindness but how are you being changed and transformed as well. And then celebrate when you see changes happening in yourself, in others and in the world. If we want to see kindness we have to show kindness. So go forth and be kind. I pray that it will be so my brothers and sisters. Amen.
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