Practice Praise

Here is my message from Sunday. The text was 1 Thessalonians 5:12-23 and Luke 17:11-19:

Two weeks ago when we began talking about the kindness challenge, I said that I had originally planned on doing this series later, but felt called that we needed to be doing it now. That decision has been reinforced not just by those of you who have commented on the need to have this, and the arguments you all are having about kindness, which maybe sort of kind of defeating the point. But it was also reinforced by an email we got from the principal of the middle school this past week telling parents that one of their key emphasis to students was to be kind to one another, and then a meeting with the athletic director for the school district who said that she has a hard time retaining coaches because of the grief that they receive from some parents. And what she then basically said, although she didn’t know the language that we are using was to nix the negative, stop criticizing everything they do, give them a break, and instead start practicing praise and supporting them, and so that covers the first of the two rules of what we are being challenged to do in practicing the Kindness Challenge.

And so as a quick reminder this comes from a book of the same name written by Shaunti Feldhahn, and while the ultimate goal is to practice kindness in all areas of our lives, the challenge is to pick one relationship which you would like to improve, it could one that is only hanging on by a thread, or maybe one that’s going okay, but could be better, and then for 30 days to do three things. The first is not to say anything negative to them or about them to anyone else, and a reminder because someone asked me this week, that also includes all the non-verbal ways we express negativity or our displeasure. And there is a supplement, or another option for that rule that is really for men who are doing the challenge for their spouse, and you can hear about that or the other ways to avoid negativity by listening to last week’s message, which is available on our website and our Facebook and YouTube pages. The second rule, which is what we are talking about today, is to practice praise which is to find one positive thing that you can sincerely praise or affirm about the person you are doing the challenge for and to tell them and tell one other person, and do that every day for 30 days. And then the third rule, which we’ll conclude with next week is to do a small act of kindness or generosity every day for your person. And so while removing the negative comments is important, practicing praise, having to look for and talk about positive things in order to give praise is the catalyst to kindness because it then causes you to have to change what it is you are focusing on and paying attention to.

Healing stories play a huge role in the gospels, and today we heard from Luke what appears to be a healing story, after all ten men are healed, and yet I don’t think this is actually a healing story at all, but instead the means to talk about something else, namely praise and thanksgiving. According to Luke, Jesus is traveling to Jerusalem, although his explanation of the territory makes no sense as he would be going the wrong way, but regardless Jesus is sort of in an in-between place, and he encounters ten men who cry out to him. And I want to concentrate on one detail for a moment. In the NRSV, which we heard, the men are described as 10 lepers. But the NIV describes them as 10 men who had leprosy. While on its face, that description might not be all that different, I think it does make a difference. The NRSV’s translation says that this is who the men are, they are lepers. The NIV says they are men who happen to have this disease, but their disease does not define who they are. Do you see the difference? Especially as we understand the rules around those who had leprosy in the ancient world, the NIV’s description gives them dignity and identity outside of the disease they have, and that can often be lacking when we are talking about others, especially those with whom we may be in conflict, and especially when it comes to praise. And so, for example, we may say I can’t give them praise, they’re a jerk, or maybe even some other word might go in there. But, are they a jerk, or are they acting like a jerk? Right, what is their identity? It plays a role in thinking about deserving things are not.

And so the men who had leprosy, which was a generic term that encapsulated many skin diseases, not just what we know of as leprosy today, which still effects around 200,000 people a year, and most cases in the us are believed to come from exposure to armadillos, which I find mildly interesting. But anyways they cry out to Jesus for him to have mercy on them. If this is a cry for healing, it’s not as direct as others, and it’s possible it’s simply a cry for alms, but Jesus hears their cry, or more importantly he listens to their cry and he responds, telling them to go to the priest, as leprosy was about ritual impurity, and on the way they were made clean, or healed. But only one of the men, in seeing that he is healed comes back, praising God and giving thanks to Jesus for healing him. And actually this is quite rare in other healing stories as well. But, then the other piece given is that he is a Samaritan, again about identity, and you should remember in hearing that that Jews and Samaritans didn’t like each other. They were unlikely to be doing the kindness challenge for one another. But here is a Samaritan praising God and giving thanks. We don’t know the ethnic identity of the other nine, but here is my thought for the sake of today: Because Jesus is in between Samaria and Galilee, that one of the lepers is a Samaritan, but the other nine are Jewish. And because he is a Samaritan and also has leprosy, he knows what it is to be excluded. To be told that he is not worthy and doesn’t belong. He knows what it is to be an outcast. He has been told, probably too many times to count, that he doesn’t deserve anything, and therefore anything good that happens to him he sees as a blessing and something not to be overlooked.

But, the other nine, may have believed that they were being unfairly treated and excluded. That they hadn’t done anything wrong and therefore didn’t deserve to have leprosy, and therefore they deserved to be healed. And when we feel that we deserve something then we have no need to then respond with praise or thanksgiving. Why? Because we deserve it. The person was only doing what they should have done in the first place. Jesus was only returning them to the place where they should have been all along, and therefore he doesn’t deserve thanks because he hasn’t done anything special. They were entitled to receive the healing. Perhaps it was even Jesus’ duty to do what he did. And the idea of someone deserving something or not can definitely get in the way not only of practicing praise, but also of practicing kindness at all.

Last week we talked about the fact that sometimes we don’t want to be kind because we say that the other person doesn’t deserve it. But I said that everyone is worthy of kindness. Everyone deserves kindness. And that is not dependent upon how they are treating us. And if we think they don’t deserve it, that should help us to work through why we think that so that we can then begin working on forgiveness, and just as patience and kindness go together, forgiveness and kindness also go together. And when it comes to praise, we might say that they don’t deserve praise because they are simply doing what they are supposed to be doing. Why should I praise the kids when they take out the trash, that’s their job, their supposed to do that? Why should I praise my employee for simply doing their job? Why should I thank my spouse or partner for doing what we had agreed they would do? If they said they were going to do it, then I should expect them to do that and I deserve to have that done. Why should we have to give praise for someone for doing what they said they would do? And the answer is simple. Because we don’t deserve anything, in this sense. Every gift we receive is a blessing, everything that people do for us is a blessing, every single day is a blessing and so we should be giving thanks and praise throughout the day simply because we are alive and participating in it. And we should give thanks and praise to others because they are a part of our life.

As Paul says in his letter to the Thessalonians, in what is believed to be the first letter of Paul that we have, and thus the oldest Christian writing we have, Paul tells us to “rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” We often talk about doing God’s will, and Paul says that God’s will is that we “Rejoice always, pray without ceasing and give thanks in all circumstances.” The man with leprosy is healed because of his faith, and how is that faith demonstrated? Through praising God and giving thanks to Jesus. What the story indicates is that what he has received is more than just an outward change, but that his faith has been transformed, his heart has been transformed and he responds the only way we can. Grace leads to gratitude. Gratitude is not just something we do, it is an expression of our faith. And so if one of the ways that we practice Christian speech is by removing negativity from our words, then the other way to talk like is a Christian is by practicing praise. And although this might not come easily yet, as Christians, giving praise should be second nature, and it will if we learn to practice it.

Now one of the recommendations I received this week was to be more specific, and so trying to think about how to do that let me start by saying that these are the ways that praise and thanksgiving can start. I value… I thank you… I appreciate… I love… I am grateful for… And notice these are not just general statements, or people are saying… these are personal statements and so they begin with I. I thank you for x, y and z. And here’s the truth about praise, is that we often feel it, but we don’t say it. We think people will know that we appreciate them or what they do, or at least think they should know, and so we don’t say it. It’s like the guy who tells his wife, after she complains that he never tells her that he loves her, that he told her on the day they got married and if it ever changed he would let her know. That doesn’t work. Tell people you appreciate them, and specifically what you appreciate, and that means that we have to actually start paying attention to what others are doing and the good things about them, and this is especially true for a relationship that’s in trouble.

Often we have what Shaunti Feldhahn she calls “kindness blindness.” We don’t notice what people are doing, or we forget the positive thinks that might have attracted us to them in the first place. She says that “I didn’t really notice that before” is one of the most common phrases she hears from people who have done the challenge. They were blind to the blessings in their life, and like the other nine, never gave thanks. But now they are. And the more you start to look for things to praise, the more things you will notice because you’re paying attention. And it may be that we just need to see things in a different way. So before, perhaps your complaint for a partner may have been “you work too much.” But the corollary could be “thank you for caring for your family in working so hard to provide.” Same reality, different perspective. Because the truth is while we give ourselves the benefit of the doubt, we often attribute the worst of intentions to others, and so part of learning to give praise is learning to assume the best of intentions for others. And once you begin to see positive things look for them everywhere and give thanks everywhere, especially to people, like service workers, who probably don’t hear positive things during the day, and why? Because we deserve what they are doing, they’re just doing their jobs. No, give them praise and thank them. If Covid has taught us anything, hopefully it’s how vitally important so many people that we tend to overlook are for making our lives possible.

And the other thing to keep in mind, especially for the 30 days of the challenge, is not to correct at the same time. Your praise should not be followed by a but… Thank you for emptying the dishwasher, but I wish you would put the pans away the correct way. What did you just do? You dismissed the praise altogether. It’s the no thank you thank you. We should praise people even if they don’t do things the way we would do them. Praise and correction can go together, but be deliberate about when and how. But as you are getting started just praise. Correct later. And here’s the thing. People crave praise, and the more you start praising someone, the likelihood increases they are going to start doing other things to be praised for. So be on the lookout. And know that when other participants began praising others, they also reported being more praised and affirmed for what they did.

But, to make that happen, we have to praise people in the way that works for them, because often the things that build us up and make us feel good are not the same things that others need. That means we could be pouring ourselves out in praise and not have it make a difference for the other person because it’s not what they need or expect. As a general rule, men are most affirmed by praise that says, “You’re good at what you do”, “you’re competent” and “you’re desirable.” So, a thank you is a man’s version of I love you.  Women, on the other hand, are most affirmed by praise that says, “You’re special because of who you are,” “you’re loveable and beautiful” or “You mean so much to me” and so a man who regularly affirms his wife of his love and devotion it is far more meaningful affirmation to her than if he says, “thank you for doing the laundry.” Now, obviously this is good for partners, not so much for co-workers or acquaintances, but do you know what to do to make sure your praise is affective? If you don’t, ask them how they would like to be affirmed or thanked, and then do what they say.

Now all that sounds so easy, but it’s not so easy to do, but that’s why I think Paul’s injunction to pray without ceasing is important, because we should begin with asking God to help us be more kind so that we can then rejoice always and give thanks in all situations. And truly, as Christians, we should already be practicing praise and thanksgiving because of what God has already done for us. We should be giving thanks for receiving God’s grace and forgiveness, we should be giving praise for the blessings of each day. We should be like the Samaritan man returning to praise God and bowing down at Jesus’ feet, and that’s the reason we come to worship. To give thanks and praise is God’s will for us. And so we just need to take what should be the nature of our faith and learn to move it out into the world to begin praising and giving thanks to others, not just the person we might be doing the kindness challenge for, but for everyone. 

A kind word, word of praise and thanksgiving, can change someone’s day, maybe even change their lives, and we’re never too busy to give praise. And the more we look for things to praise the easier it becomes, because the more positive things we will see and in seeing the positive the easier it is to nix the negative. We should see gratitude not as something special, but simply as an expression of our faith, because when we become aware of what God has done for us through Christ Jesus, then all of our life should be infused, transformed, with a sense of gratitude, and each and every encounter we have becomes an opportunity to respond in the Spirit of gratitude. So, may we remember that it is God’s will that “Rejoice always, pray without ceasing and give thanks in all circumstances.” I pray that it will be so my brothers and sisters. Amen.