After last week’s message on practicing praise, I had a lot of people coming up to me to give me thanks, and so then I had to decide whether it was just everyone working on practicing praise, especially the injunction not to let people assume you are appreciated, but to tell them, or if there were lots of people who decided to practice the kindness challenge on me. But, since one of the things we are working on is assuming the best of intentions for others, rather than the worst, I am going to go with the first answer. Today we conclude in our series on the Kindness Challenge, which is based off a book by the same name by Shaunti Feldhahn, and so a quick recap of the three rules of the kindness challenge. The first rule is to nix the negativity, that is we are not to say anything negative to the person we are doing the kindness challenge for, not to say anything negative about them to someone else. The second rule is practice praise, that is as we start to stop focusing on the negative we instead look for positives and to give one piece of praise or affirmation about someone else every day, and tell someone else what you praised them for. If you missed either of those messages, I would encourage you to go back and listen to them, which then leads us into the final rule, which we cover today, and that is to carry out kindness, or to do a small act of kindness or generosity for the person you are doing the kindness challenge for every day, and to do all three of these steps for 30 days, although you don’t have to stop there.
Additionally, as we are doing the kindness challenge for one person, if that’s what we choose to do, we will also find that we can do these steps for everyone so that we are seeking to bring kindness into all our interactions. But, one thing to keep in mind as we think of ways to be more kind is that except for this third rule, you can do the first two rules for anyone, even if you never come into contact with them. So, you can be more kind to that certain politician you can’t stand, by removing negativity and practicing praise, and remember first is that you don’t have to like someone in order to be kind, and everyone is deserving of kindness even if they are not being kind to others. You can do it for someone who has died, and you need to bring some healing to that relationship, or to someone you have cut out of your life because of something that they did to you. Kindness, and practicing acts of kindness, can be the first steps to bringing about healing and forgiveness, and remembering that forgiveness is not about condoning, enabling or forgetting a hurt, or even saying that it didn’t hurt, but about freeing ourselves from carrying that burden any more so that the perpetrator no longer has control over our lives. Nor is forgiveness about denying that we have the right to be resentful, but for us to say that we are going to put aside that right in order to practice kindness, compassion and forgiveness, with the big caveat that Jesus never said that we only had to forgive people up to a certain point, but that if they crosses our line in the sand, that we didn’t have to forgive. Instead he tells us not to forgive 7 times, but 70x7 times and that unless we learn to forgive then we will not be forgiven. And kindness, acting in kindness can play a significant role in that, because kindness is not just about what we think, but it is about what we say and what we do.
As Paul says in his letter to the Corinthians, if he has all knowledge, if he can speak like angels, if he has faith so that he can move mountains, he has nothing, unless he also has love. Now there are four words in Greek commonly found in the New Testament that are usually translated as love, even if they might not mean what we think of as love in English. Because I can say that I love baseball and I love my wife, but that’s a different type of love, and it’s different in Greek as well, the same as saying I love my family is also a different type of love, and then there is the word that is used here, which is agape, which some have translated as a selfless loving kindness, and in some translations you actually find it as charity. It’s a love that is lived out in relationship to other people, and I invite you to go back and read the list of things that love is and what it is not, because all of them deal with how we relate with other people. This is a list that is outward focused. Similarly, when we talked briefly about the fruit of the Spirit, which are “love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control,” all of them are about how we live in the world. Not about what we think or believe, not about how we know we are supposed to act, but actually about how we act, because if we don’t act out of loving kindness then we have nothing, and we gain nothing. We are simply a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.
And so, what we do in the world makes a difference for us and, more importantly, for others. But it’s also dependent upon why we are doing the things we do. In the parable we heard from Matthew, known as the parable of the sheep and the goats, those who inherit the kingdom because they helped the hungry, thirsty, stranger, naked, sick and those imprisoned, are surprised by the decision that is made about them, just as those who didn’t help are also surprised by the decision that was made, which means those who were helping were not doing it because of the reward they might receive, they were just doing it because it’s the right thing to do. Similarly, Paul says, if we give away all our possession, or hand over our body, so that we may boast, then we gain nothing. So, if we are thinking that we are going to get praise for carrying out kindness, or that we will be upset if we don’t get thanks or praise, then we are doing it for the wrong reasons. I recently heard a pastor who runs a homeless ministry in Denver say that when he started, he would get upset when he gave a homeless person a meal and they wouldn’t say thank you, often not saying anything at all. And he had to continually remind himself that it was not about him, and that’s not the reason he was doing it. He was helping the least of these because they needed his help. So, if we want to do an act of kindness for someone for what we might receive, besides for feeling good about doing it, then we need to reassess everything that we are doing. As Jesus said, don’t invite someone to dinner who can return the favor for you. Instead invite those who don’t have the ability to pay you back, because that reveals a purer motive and a more important need to be addressed. We must do these acts unconditionally, without expectation, so that we are not led into resentment and impatience, which can subvert everything else that we have been doing.
So, Feldhahn has several recommendations for ways that we can undertake this goal. The first is simply to do a small act of service. Do the dishes when it’s not your turn, make coffee for someone who always does that, change out the toner in the copier or add paper when it normally falls to someone else, bring a meal to someone, write a quick note or card for someone to let them know you care. If they walk slower than you do, slow down your pace to keep up with them. These are all little things, and they don’t have to necessarily cost you anything except your time, which is one of the most valuable gifts we have to give. When we do these things, we can do them anonymously, but they have to be visible so that the other person will notice it and know that someone cares. We often want to complicate these things by thinking it has to be a large, or possibly expensive gesture, but they don’t, and in fact the more simple and ordinary we keep the more impactful it may be over time. The other piece is not to become so focused on figuring out what to do for an act of kindness the we ignore, the first two rules, Instead, do all three at the same time.
The second idea is to give something that’s precious to you. As I just said, one of the most valuable things is our time. Giving of ourselves is an incredibly important thing, and I’m not talking about trying to multi-task with them, but to be fully present for them and do something with them that they would like to do, which can be as simple as listening. Or maybe it’s sharing something with someone that we would rather keep for ourselves, and often this involves sugar, especially around this time of year. Or maybe it’s practicing hospitality in inviting someone for a meal, or sacrificing some comfort, like offering to watch the kids of a single mother so she can get some time to herself, or getting up with a partner in the middle of the night when necessary. Giving of yourself for others never goes out of style and it never expires.
A third gift is not to respond in kind to how we are treated. We’ve talked about this from the first week, but when we are attacked, our natural response is to go right onto the offensive as well, even if we are being defensive, to respond with the same tone and volume and perhaps the language that’s used, and in dong so rather than deescalating the conflict, we at a minimum keep it at the same level, or more often than not we escalate the encounter. Being gentle, extending kindness, seeking peace or offering a calm voice, or letting something go, even when it’s so hard to do, and especially at those times, can be an enormous gift of kindness to offer to someone else. Just because someone attacks us does not mean we have to respond either in kind or even at all, or as Feldhahn says, “Being a Christian requires having a soft heart and thick skin.” And walking away from a situation requires more strength sometimes then trying to engage.
A fourth gift is that of physical intimacy. Now obviously the level of this differs greatly depending upon the relationship, but when a couple is fighting often one of the first things that goes away is physical contact, but what studies have shown is that intimacy in a relationship improves closeness, tenderness and happiness, and let me make clear that this is more than just about marital relations. Sometimes a touch or a hug during an argument can make a huge difference. The same can also be true with a friend, a touch on the arm, or holding their hand lets others know that they are not alone and that others care for them. Touch is incredibly important for our emotional and physical well-being.
A fifth gift, and builds upon some of the others, is to be full present for the other person, focusing on them and their interests and enter into their world. Ask them questions about their life, if you don’t know them well, or about how their day is going, or about what they are interested in. We’ve known about this for a long time, and some of us may have even read How to Win Friends and Influence People, which calls for these same things, but somehow, we forget to do them. One person in this congregation goes to watch Nascar races, and so she was asked if she liked Nascar, and she said, “No, but I love my husband.” That is sometimes we have to do things we don’t like to do because it’s important to someone else. One mother, who was doing the kindness challenge for her son, rather than fighting and arguing about video games, and focusing on the negative, instead decided to learn something about them and to play them with her son. Not only did she then enter into his world and spend quality time with him, but as a bonus, he then started bragging to his friends that his mom was playing with him, which is certainly more than the others could say.
A sixth gift, and one we continue to return to, is to assume the best of intentions for other’s actions rather than the worst of intentions. Especially for those who are close to us, the more likely it is that they didn’t do what they did to hurt us, but it hurt us more because they are close. Perhaps they just don’t understand how much it hurt us, or why it hurts us. Assuming the best can help us to move past that hurt, or gives us the opportunity to be able to explain to them why what they have done, or continue to do, is hurtful. This is not about enabling behavior or opening ourselves up to being hurt, but about practicing kindness to others and to treating them the way we would like to be treated. One superintendent of schools said that in working with kids on bullying, that when they tried to teach kids not to bully, it didn’t help, but what helped was teaching them how to be kind to one another, to treat others as they wanted to be treated.
The final step is to tell others what they can do for us. We might expect that we shouldn’t have to do this, but the truth is sometimes we do, and rather than getting frustrated that you are not receiving what you need, be proactive about it, because I can speak from experience that we are not always as smart or knowledgeable about others as we should be, and as I said last week, we often assume that others want to receive what we want to receive, but that’s not the case. So be honest, because that’s much better than having to let the other person experience your disappointment because you are getting what you want or need. For the most part, people want to please other people, especially those with whom we are close, we don’t want to be disappointments to others, so don’t set people up to continually disappoint you.
So, in concluding our series on kindness, let me leave you with these last steps. As you begin to practice kindness in your life remember to always look for things to be grateful for, and to give thanks. People who record their gratitude not only report being happier when they are doing it, but even a month later if they have stopped, they still report being happier. Second is to record what you are doing each day, and what the response is to those actions. Don’t just look for ways to practice kindness, but look for what happens when you are kind, not just for the recipients of your kindness but how are you being changed and transformed as well. Jesus tells us that we will be known to the world as his disciples by the love, the agape, the selfless self-giving that we do, so go forth and be kind. I pray that it will be so my brothers and sisters. Amen.
No comments:
Post a Comment