If you’ve paid any attention to the governor’s race in Virginia, the candidate who was behind unleashed a serious of vicious and deceitful ads against his opponent, and just like happens in every election, people say they don’t like it, but it moves the needle, and he is now gaining in the polls, and so the other side has now gone negative as well. It’s like seeing a car crash in a movie, which invariably ends in an explosion, although that’s pretty rare, but it’s certainly more exciting. But, what’s worse, and what former presidents Bush and Obama, and plenty of others are pointing out, is that when this is what we witness and hear, it’s also what we begin to do. That negativity is viral.
Have you ever been having a good day, and someone who’s having a crappy day comes in and rains on your parade? Then what is your response. You too get upset, and take that out on someone else, and they then take it out on someone else, and somehow all of that negativity makes its way to the Middle East. But, the opposite is also true, kindness is also viral. That when we are kind to others that that kindness can also be passed on to others, but kindness also takes more work, and thus is harder to do and so gets done less often. To practice kindness, we also have to admit that we cannot control others, we cannot change others, or the world, but what we can do is control and change ourselves. That we get to choose how we respond to the world, as Paul says in his letter to the Ephesians, "Put away from you all bitterness and wrath and anger and wrangling and slander, together with all malice, and be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ has forgiven you.” (4:31-32)<
This spring I read a book by Shaunti Feldhahn entitled The Kindness Challenge: Thirty Days to Improve Any Relationship, which really got me thinking about kindness and the ways that I’m not as kind as I could be, or as I should be, and the way that that impacts my life. And so, I began thinking about that and how being kinder is really something all of us could do, and that all of us have at least one relationship that could be improved not because we want to change the other person, although that might be true, but simply to make it better because we choose to change our own behavior. And so, over the next four weeks, we’re going to be talking about how kindness and how to be more kind. And while these will work for us in general and will impact all of our relationships, Feldhahn recommends that you choose one person that you are going to choose to practice the kindness challenge for, and then to practice these three rules. The first is to say nothing negative about the person you are doing the challenge for, to say nothing negative either to them or to anyone else either. There is an alternative rule for men if you choose to do this for your partner, which we will cover next week. The second rule is to find one positive thing every day you can sincerely praise or affirm about your person and then tell them and tell someone else. You can also write them down in a journal, and wouldn’t that make a nice Christmas present? And then the third part is to do a small act of kindness or generosity for your person every day. Again, we’ll look at each of these over the next weeks, but I do want to clarify a couple of things.
The first is that there is a difference between being nice and being kind. We often treat them as if they are the same, but they’re not. The definition of nice is along the lines of pleasing or pleasant or agreeable, but there is also a part of niceness that’s about being socially acceptable. Whereas kindness is “having or showing a friendly, generous, and considerate nature.” It’s about a state or a quality of how we operate in the world, of things that we do. That means that being nice is about conforming to what society expects of us, which means it’s about us, and making sure that we are acceptable, that others see us and think of us as “nice.” It’s about keeping the peace and not rocking the boat. Whereas, being kind is thinking about others, and acting with compassion and generosity, regardless of what society thinks about those actions, and also knowing that kindness does not shy away from challenge, of offering truth in love. So, the kind person is focused on others and the nice person is focused on themselves, because they are worried about what others think of them. We might be so bold as to say that niceness is based out of weakness, wanting to get along and be acceptable, whereas the person who is kind, not only is that their nature, but they operate from a position of strength, because they are going to be kind regardless of others or even if they particularly like the person they are being kind to.
Which leads to the second point that we will have to grapple with, and that is that you might say that there are some people that do not deserve us being kind to them. But that’s when we have to remember that being kind is not about them, it’s about us. As Wonder Woman said, “it’s not about what they deserve, it’s about what we believe” and how we choose to live. Perhaps there is that person that just bugs you, or is even cruel, does getting upset about that do you any good? Does complaining about them do you any good? No, but it does change things, it changes us, and more importantly, it lets them control our lives, rather than us being in control of our lives. That’s why being kind takes effort, but we also have to remember that one of the hardest times to be kind is also one of the most powerful: When we treat someone well who is not treating us well.<
That’s why I am always amazed at the story we hear of Jesus last night. If you’ve attended any of our Maundy Thursday services, every year I talk about the fact that Jesus breaks bread with all of the disciples, even knowing what is to come and what they are going to do, that they are all present. There was a group of United Methodists pastors that existed when I moved to Albuquerque, and they would eat breakfast together every week, and I went a few times, but I stopped going because there was someone else there that I didn’t want to be around. I didn’t want to break bread with them, I didn’t want to have to hold my tongue and I didn’t like leaving with my blood boiling because of something they had said, so I stopped going. In other words, I could be nice and avoid conflict, but I definitely didn’t want to be kind, and we’ll talk about whether kindness means allowing people to say or do whatever they want later. But Jesus, while he was not always perfect in his response to others, and there are clearly times when he gets angry, when he is with the disciples, he practices enormous kindness, and seems to ask the same of the disciples as well. Let’s just start with two of them who are there. What is Matthew’s occupation? He’s a tax collector, and he’s sitting near, or at least at the same table, with Simon the zealot. What do zealots want to do to tax collectors? They want to kill them, so this is more than just not liking the guy, but Simon, unlike me, sits and breaks bread with this person who he thinks is a traitor to his people. Their being able to dine together, and to live and travel together, I believe, has to be an expression of all that Jesus had taught them, and more importantly lived out for them, which is what we see here.
Jesus knows that Judas is about to betray him, and that Peter is about to deny him, and all the others will abandon him, and yet here he is eating with all of them. I think the disciples’ reaction that they all wonder who it could be that will betray him, says so much about what’s happening. But, they are all there. Jesus does not dismiss Judas first. He doesn’t tell Peter to go outside for a moment while he talks to the rest. Instead all of them are there to take the bread and to take the cup, all of them are there to hear about forgiveness. This is not a demonstration of what it means to be nice, this is about being kind even when other’s might not deserve it. But, I think that Jesus does think they deserve his kindness. Even the line that he says about Judas, that it would be better if he hadn’t been born, is often seen as an attack on Judas. But what if, knowing that Judas will hugely regret it and take his life, that he may even say to himself he wishes he had never been born, that it is instead a statement of compassion for Judas knowing what he is about to undergo? Because that sounds more like the Jesus who will even offer forgiveness to those who are crucifying him, while he is hanging on the cross. Would the disciples and the early church have recorded this moment if Jesus had responded the way that most of us probably would have responded, which would be to have told the disciples off or not even wanting to eat with them? We know this story because it gets to the heart of who Jesus is, of who God is, and as our call to discipleship. Offering kindness as a way of being even for those who we might otherwise think don’t deserve it, but practicing kindness is not about the other person, it’s about us and who we choose to be and the way we choose to live.
So, as we embark on this journey to learn to be kind to everyone, that journey begins right here at this table, an expression of God’s love and kindness to us. Because one of the attributes that is given about God is that God is kind, and so it’s little surprise that we too then are called to be kind, and that a fruit of the Spirit is also kindness. And once our path begins, it really only comes with one choice, are we going to choose to be kind or not, and as Paul says in his letter to the Colossians, “As God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, clothe yourselves with compassion,kindness, humility, meekness, and patience.” I pray that it will be so my brothers and sisters. Amen.
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