There are lots of stories of Jesus healing people in the gospels, of which the healing of the 10 lepers which we heard from Luke this morning seems to be one of them, except, this story is not really about a healing. Yes, a healing does take place, but all we are told about it is that after Jesus tells them to go show themselves to the priest that “as they went, they were made clean.” That is they left Jesus before they were healed of their leprosy, which was a default term used to describe lots of skin diseases, not just the one we typically refer to today as leprosy, or Hansen’s Disease, which still infects some 200,000 people a year around the world, and most of the cases in the US are believed to come from exposure to armadillos. But, that’s just of interest, at least to me, this story is not about the healing, but about the thanksgiving and how it takes place. At the beginning of the story, Jesus is traveling, and these ten men call out in unison to Jesus, to have mercy on them. There is a subtle distinction in the major translations here that I think is significant to point out. In the NRSV, which is what we heard this morning, and the translation I prefer for several reasons, the are simply referred to as ten lepers, but the NIV refers to them as ten men who had leprosy. The difference is subtle, but important, because the NIV simple makes their disease an aspect of something they have, rather than who they are. They have leprosy, rather than they are lepers. It gives them dignity and humanity that is lacking, or can be lacking, when we refer to them by whatever characteristic we choose to say that they are, which I think is important as we think about gratitude and praise and how we see and respond to others.
But Jesus hears their request, which may simply be a request for alms, or money, not a request for healing, as the story is not clear, as it is in other healing stories, that that is what they are asking for. And Jesus listens to them, and sees them, another important point, and offers them healing or cleansing, as leprosy is about ritual impurity, and then they go on their way and then are healed. As one person I read this week said, “a portion of Jesus’ ministry is his willingness to be interrupted by the intrusion of human need.” That is, he sees these people in need of his help and he takes the time to help them, regardless of what is going on, or how busy or exhausted he is, and by implication calls for us to do the same. But how often are we irritated by the intrusions we have in our life, the things that we don’t think are important, or, again, that we might attribute the worst of intentions towards the person who is coming to us for something. But what we see in this story is that just we never know who we may encounter that needs healing, even if they are not seeking it, so too we never know who will be a vehicle for God’s grace to us, as it is here. Because of the ten-people healed, only one returns to thank Jesus, to give him praise. It’s not that the others have their healing go away, they simply go on with their lives. But one returns, and he is a Samaritan at that, one of “those people”, someone not liked by Jews, and he praises God with a loud voice, and then bows down at Jesus’ feet, an act of worship, and thanks him. He sees Jesus’ act of grace towards him and responds with praise and thanksgiving. His life becomes an act of worship towards God.
What the story indicates is that what he has received is more than just an outward change, but that his faith has been transformed, his heart has been transformed and he responds the only way we can. Grace leads to gratitude. Gratitude is not just something we do, it is an expression of our faith. As Paul says in his letter to the Thessalonians, in what is believed to be the first letter of Paul that we have, and thus the oldest Christian writing we have, Paul tells us to “rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” We often talk about doing God’s will, and later in his letter to the Romans Paul will tell us not to be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your minds so that we can discern the will of God: “Rejoice always, pray without ceasing and give thanks in all circumstances.” I thought that was appropriate as we continue in our series on the Kindness Challenge, based on a book of the same name by Shaunti Feldhahn.
Now there are three parts to this challenge. The first is to remove negativity from our thoughts, words and actions, which we covered last week, and if you weren’t here I encourage you to listen to that message, and so if you are doing the challenge for a specific person, that involved not saying anything to them or about them. The second step is to offer praise to someone, and tell another person about that praise as well, which is what we cover today, and the third step is to do an act of generosity or kindness for someone, and to do all of these every day for 30 days. As we start this practice and not obsessing or focusing on negativity, then the giving praise part becomes easier, because when we aren’t always focusing on what people are doing wrong, then it’s easier to see what they might be doing right. But, we also have to remember this is not about whether someone deserves something or not, after all the other 9 people with leprosy, seem to take their cleansing for granted, so it’s not about them, it’s about us, and what we choose to do and how we choose to live. and part of changing how we respond in kindness is something else we have also covered and that is that rather than assuming the worst of others, or the worst of intentions, that we will instead assume the best of intentions for others.
I recently discovered a new word that was created in 2010 to try and give voice to an emotion that didn’t have a word for it, and that word is sonder. Sonder is that moment when you realize that everyone else has an internal life that is as rich and as complicated as yours. That they have their own ambitions and desires, dreams and worries, hurts and fears, that they are just as rational and as irrational that they make bad decisions, are prejudiced and subject to whims, have temper tantrums, outbursts and short-term thinking, and as Seth Godin says, once you see it that way, it's easier to remember, that we're everyone too and we can see the world in a new way and to view others as we want to be viewed. Or as the Jewish philosopher Philo of Alexandria, who was a contemporary of Jesus, said, “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle.” I think that to begin to practice praise and to give thanks in all situations, it first starts with prayer, which is why that’s included, but then it moves to sonder and recognizing that everyone else is just like us and to give them the benefit of the doubt.
Now Feldhahn says that praising others is the catalyst of kindness. While removing negativity from your life does have a positive impact, when we begin to praise and affirm others, it takes kindness to a whole new level, because we are now being proactive in our practices. And praising others does take practice to make it a part of our daily routine, and it’s not about praising just one person, but everyone with whom we interact, who does something for us, could use some praise. Feldhahn says there are ten things to remember when it comes to praise and affirmation, although we’re only going to cover eight of them:
The first is to thank people or give praise even if it is for something they are supposed to do. I know that we all have lots of reasons why we think we don’t need to praise people simply for doing what was agreed upon, or meeting minimum expectations, but those reasons all miss the point of why we offer praise and the emotional need to receive praise, but more importantly they imply that we deserve to receive whatever it is that they are doing for us. But do we deserve anything? If we see everything as a gift from God, then everything is deserving of praise. And this is true even if we are paying for their service. If you’ve ever worked in a service industry, then you know how important something thanking you, or telling you you are doing a good job is, because more often what you hear are complaints. So, thank people and give praise to people even for just doing what is expected.
Second, and a common theme for kindness, give praise and affirmation even if you think they don’t deserve it. But, everyone deserves kindness and to be treated like a decent human being, even if they aren’t, because we are called to be like Christ. Now this does not mean turning a blind eye to abusive patterns, to put up with terrible treatment or to excuse incompetence, but it means we don’t have to stoop to their level in response. That we can praise or affirm what they are doing right, even as we push for improvements in other areas. And as a reminder if you start your praise and then in the middle add in the but, it’s not actually praise. Sometimes praise and correction happen at the same time, but they don’t need to, and especially in relationships that are in trouble praising without correction can be enormously powerful and important, and if we have hurts that need to be overcome, where forgiveness needs to be given, praise can be a great start in moving in that direction.
The third step is to notice the things you were blind to before. This just happens naturally with praise, because when you have to find at least one thing to affirm or praise about someone, you are bound to begin noticing lots of things you didn’t before because all we had been focused on was the negatives. Feldhahn says that “I didn’t really notice that before” is one of the most common responses she hears from people who undertake the kindness challenge. And again, do this for more than just the person you are doing the challenge for, but do it for everyone. In every interaction, where appropriate, pay attention to one thing you can thank someone for or praise them for. And when you begin to do that, you start seeing praiseworthy things everywhere. Don’t take people or their actions for granted.
Which leads directly into step four, which is to tell people you are grateful rather than just assuming that they know. This is true for everyone, but especially for guys, who sometimes have the attitude that they told their partner they loved them on the day they got married, and if anything changes they’ll let them know. All of us need affirmation, and even if we think that the things we do, our actions are affirmations, words are also extremely important, again especially in relationships that could be improved, which is all of them. Just as we say to vote early and vote often, give praise early and give affirmation often, and one of the benefits of this is that most people who do this also find themselves being more affirmed than before.
The fifth step is to praise what they do, rather than focusing on what they don’t do. Again, it’s about looking for positive things. In doing this several things may open up. The first is that people like to be praised and so some may start doing some of the things they are not doing now in order to get praised. Often this has happened because they weren’t getting any affirmation for doing it, remembering step one, or, and this is the next step, they were getting criticized for doing it wrong, or not the way we want it done. This is not to say that there is no room for correction, or that you can’t correct someone and be kind at the same time, but to emphasize the positive. One question that Feldhahn will often hear, especially from women, is that they don’t respect someone, so isn’t this just lying or covering up? And the answer is no, because it’s not a lie to praise or affirm someone for doing something that could be, or should be, praised or affirmed. The other thing to keep in mind if we compare two people against each other, is that normally we are comparing the negatives of the person we are wanting to improve against the positives of the other person, so when we say things like “why can’t you be like so and so” we are not talking about that so and so’s negatives, only their positives. So, kill ‘em with kindness. Be kind until you can’t be kind anymore. And then be kind some more.
The sixth step is to praise people for doing things even if you would do it different. If you are criticizing someone for the way they did it, rather than praising them that it was being done, there may be a problem. Again, there are times and place to correct, if it’s genuinely being done wrong, and not just differently, but the “thank you for doing it but it should be done this way” is the no thank you thank you. As we also talked about last week, sometimes we have to learn to trust and let people do things the way they want, and that can make us feel really uncomfortable, and perhaps even out of control, but it’s okay, because we have to remember that we can either be right or we can improve a relationship, but rarely can we do both. So, learn to let go and let others do things their own way and then thank them for it.
The seventh is that you are never too busy to give praise. In fact, if you are busy and others are busy then praise can have even more impact because it’s you saying to them that you are noticing what they are doing, and life rarely slows down, so offering a quick few words can sometimes make all the difference.
And finally, it’s to praise people in the way that they need, not the way that is natural for us. As a general rule, men and women are different. If a man asks another man if he saw the highlights, he’s probably not talking about hair, and if a woman says she hung up a rack on her wall, it probably had nothing to do with an animal’s head. That means we could be pouring ourselves out in praise and not have it make a difference for the other person because it’s not what they need or expect. As a general rule, men are most affirmed by praise that says, “You’re good at what you do”, “you’re competent” and “you’re desirable.” So, a thank you is a man’s version of I love you. Women, on the other hand, are most affirmed by praise that says, “You’re special because of who you are,” “you’re loveable and beautiful” or “You mean so much to me” and so a man who regularly affirms his wife of his love and devotion it is far more meaningful affirmation to her than if he says, “thank you for doing the laundry.” Now, obviously this is good for partners, not so much for co-workers or acquaintances, but you know what to do to make sure your praise is affective? Ask them how they would like to be affirmed or thanked, and then do what they say.
Now all that sounds really easy to say, but it’s not so easy to do, and so, as I already said, that’s why I think Paul’s injunction to pray without ceasing is important, because when we begin with asking God to help us be more kind so that we can then rejoice always and give thanks in all situations. I know that some of you have already started trying to do the kindness challenge, and if so, please continue, but if you are interested, you have the biggest pieces of what to do, and you can go to jointhekindnesschallenge.com to sign up, and in doing so you can receive daily emails with thoughts and recommendations based on who you are doing the challenge for, as well as take a kindness assessment, and if you start this week, then the kindness challenge can be part of your devotions for the season of Advent.
God’s grace, God’s kindness, has been poured out for us, just as it was for those who had leprosy, and so the question is how are we going to respond. Are we going to be like the nine and just go on with our lives, perhaps even thinking we deserve it, or are we going to be like the Samaritan who bows down in thanksgiving and praise? We know which way we are called. We should see gratitude not as something special, but simply as an expression of our faith, because when we become aware of what God has done for us through Christ Jesus, then all of our life should be infused, transformed, with a sense of gratitude, and each and every encounter we have becomes an opportunity to respond in the Spirit of gratitude. So, this week as we sit down to give thanks, let us remember that it is God’s will that we do it not just once, or on one day, but that we “Rejoice always, pray without ceasing and give thanks in all circumstances.” I pray that it will be so my brothers and sisters. Amen.
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