In episode 166 of Seinfeld, entitled “the strike”, we hear of an unusual holiday that Frank Costanza had invented called Festivus, or the Festivus for the rest of us, which was said to be created in opposition to the commercialization of Christmas. But, in the show Festivus begins with a meal and then is followed by a particular event, and just to test any Seinfeldians out there, what happens after the meal? It’s the airing of grievances, or as Frank Costanza says, "I got a lotta problems with you people, and now you're going to hear about it!" While we might not be as blunt as that, or at least not normally, the truth is that we all do a lot of complaining. The average person complains 15-30 times a day, and research has found that there is not a difference in the amount of complaining between men and women, just what they complain about. But the thing is, most of the time we don’t even realize that we are doing it.
The first reason we don’t realize we are doing it is just because it’s part of our everyday fabric, we complain, others complain, it’s just there. And the second reason is that complaining is like bad breath, according to Will Bowen, we notice it when it comes out the of the mouth of others, but rarely do we notice it when it comes out of our mouths. And the reason that happens, I believe, is because we don’t know the reason why others are complaining, we don’t have their rational, and so we question the legitimacy of others complaints. Not always, but sometimes. Whereas we feel totally justified in our complaining. Our mind thinks it up and we say it and move on without even normally realizing that we are doing it. There are lots of reasons why we complain, but most of the time we simply complain just to complain, because it’s a habit for us, it’s what we do and how we communicate. But complaining normally doesn’t help make our lives better. In fact, normally, complaining makes things worse for us and makes us focus on negative things rather than focusing on the positive things.
And so when we were concluding our worship series on gratitude I said that I was going to be challenging us as a congregation to do the complaint free challenge for the New Year. That we as a congregation were going to work on noticing and practicing and living into gratitude, and the opposite of gratitude is complaining, so if we move away from complaining, it should lead us to gratitude. That’s what Rev. Will Bowen realized when he was preaching to his church in Kansas City. They were talking about prosperity and he said he realized that they could never be prosperous because they didn’t realize what they already had, and the ways they were truly blessed, because they were complaining about their lives and what they already had. And so he then preached a sermon on complaining, and he handed out purple bracelets to everyone and challenged them to go 21 days without complaining. And the trick was when they complained, they had to switch the bracelet from one wrist to the other wrist, and start all over again on day 1. His idea took off, and more than 10 million complaint free bracelets have now been distributed all over the world.
The 6 millionth bracelet was given to Maya Angelou, who has talked about complaining, with one of her most famous quotes being “If you don’t like something change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude. Don’t complain.” And if you know anything about Dr. Angelou’s life, you know she had some things she could have complained about. What Rev. Bowen says is we are so busy focusing on what is wrong in the world, which is what our complaining is about, that we are perpetuating these problems, and not noticing the things that are going well, and worse is that rarely is the complaining we do seeking to bring about something different or seeking to change the problem. Because rarely do we actually complain to the person we are complaining about. If we are having a problem with our boss, we complain to our spouse or partner, or other coworkers, and if we are having a problem with our spouse or coworkers, we complain to our friends. That is our complaints are not leading to solving our problems, but simply to complain.
And so part of the complaint free challenge is to direct your issues to the person who can actually work with you to resolve them. But what Bowen found for himself, and for millions of others who have reported on their progress, is that it normally takes 4-8 months for people to complete 21 days without complaining. If you do it in a month, or even 21 days, its either because you are extraordinarily good and were not complaining a lot, or more than likely it’s because you aren’t paying attention to the complaints you are actually making. Just as a fish isn’t aware that it’s surrounded by water, we too are usually not aware of the complaints we are making, until we become cognizant of them, and believe me just in hearing me talk about complaining, you are going to start noticing it more. And if you begin the challenge, you will notice it even more, especially how often you do it, and so here are the five rules for the complaint free challenge:
- While you don’t have to wear the bracelet, you do have to wear something in your wrist for the challenge. But this is not a sign of support to inform others you support living complaint free. Instead this is a tool to make you aware of how often you complain so that you can stop. It is the act of moving your bracelet that causes you to become consciously aware of what you are doing, so you can work to make changes.
- And so rule 2, then is switch your bracelet with every spoken complaint. The definition of complaining is “to express pain, grief or discontent,” so by its very definition a complaint is spoken. What we are working on doing is cutting back on the verbal complaints we have, and when we do that we are also retraining our minds not to give complaining thoughts.
- Rule three is to always know what day you are on. If you don’t know what day you are on, you’re not taking it very seriously.
- Rule four is don’t be a bracelet cop. Your job is to focus on your complaining, and so if you focus on others and tell them they just complained, make sure you switch your bracelet as well.
- And rule five is don’t be clever. Don’t wear a bracelet on both wrists so that you never have to switch them, and if you complain, don’t immediately complain again so that you don’t have to switch it. It’s the repetition of the movement that is what makes it effective. If you complain don’t say “well I messed up, now I get a free day of complaining.” That is not effective or helpful for you.
The purpose here is not to please the pastor, it’s to help you change your life and the lives of those around you for the better. And you don’t have to participate, it’s totally up to you. I would strongly encourage you to do it. And if you start, you will notice two things will happen. One is that you will begin to feel happier, and two you will find less things to complain about, not necessarily because bad things stop happening, but because you have refocused your mind away from focusing on bad things. Negative energy does attract negative energy, but when we look for negative things we can be sure to find them. And it’s not about the amount of good or bad stuff in our lives. I’ve known some incredibly happy people who have had incredible tragedy in their lives, and I’m sure you have too, but they choose to focus on the positive and by doing so they stay positive. We create the reality of how we perceive the world. If we want it to be negative, it will be negative, and if we want it to be positive we can find positive. It’s that whole give thanks in all situations thing that Paul tells us to do.
Now, if I say “It’s cold today,” is that a complaint? It could be dependent upon how I say it, the tone of my voice, but it’s really just a statement of fact. But if I say, “Man, can you believe how cold it is today,” or I sigh and say “it’s cold again today,” it’s a complaint. Remembering that a statement of fact is not a complaint. But tone of voice or other things can give indication for complaints. If you sound like Eeyore, it’s probably a complaint. Another example, someone asked me if they stub their toe and say “Darn it that hurt” although it was a certain other d word. And so I said, “Is that a statement of fact?” and they said yes, because it hurt. And I responded, it hurts is fact, but the darn it is not fact, but commentary, and thus a complaint.
Additionally, gossiping is considered complaining, and so if you are gossiping you need to switch your bracelet, and the decision making is if you would say the same thing with the same tone of voice to the person if they were present as you are saying when they are not there. And the one that will be hardest for me is sarcasm is also a complaint, and here is something I didn’t know. The Latin root is sarco which literally means “tearing of the flesh.” Sarcasm is a critical statement couched in the context of telling a joke, but it’s still a criticism and thus a complaint. Eckhart Tolle summed it up this way: “Complaining is not to be confused with informing someone of a mistake or a deficiency so that it can be put right. And refraining from complaining doesn’t necessarily mean putting up with bad behavior. There is no ego in telling the waiter your soup is cold and needs to be heated up – if you stick to the facts, which are always neutral. ‘How dare you serve me cold soup…?’ that’s complaining.” A complaint often has a sense of being a counterattack for a perceived injustice, or a “this is unfair” or “how dare this happen to me” quality to it.
And there are times in which complaining is okay, read the Psalms, read lamentations. There are acceptable times for complaints, but the 15-30 times a day we do it are not productive and not healthy and not the Biblical complaints. There are some who will argue that getting these things out is healthy, and for the major events that is true, but if complaining made you healthier and happier then the happiest people in the world, and the healthiest, would be those who complain all the time. Anyone know anyone for whom that is true? No, because people who complain all the time tend to be the unhappiest people we know, why? Because all they are see and focus on and talk about are negative things, and so they are negative people and bad things continually happen to them.
Dr. Robin Kowalski, is a professor of Psychology at Clemson University, whose Ph.D. thesis was on complaining, and she found that there were five basic reasons why people complain, which Rev. Bowen turned into a mnemonic device, and so very quickly, so that you don’t start complaining about how long this message is, here they are:
People complain to Get Attention – Sort of speaks for itself. They want attention and can’t think of a more positive way to do it, and so they complain, and remember that if you always give grease to the squeaky wheel it will keep squeaking and so find ways to turn it around. Since you know they want attention, ask them questions about their life, hobbies, family, whatever you want. And if they keep complaining, redirect the conversation and ask it “So, what’s going well with” whatever it is they are complaining about. Then keep asking the same question until they give you a positive answer, and one of two things will happen. They will either tell you something positive, or they will get tired of hearing the question and go away, and either way you win.
People complain to Remove Responsibility – this is why something is impossible to do, or why they didn’t do what they said, because traffic was bad, or you can’t fight city hall, or it’s a management decision. It is to remove blame from themselves and put it somewhere else, often to explain their own lack of effort or why they can’t do something. You know this is the complaint if you offer a way to correct it, why don’t you, and they say, yes but. So the way to overcome this is to say “yes, but if it were possible, how would you do it?” and reinforce your belief in their ability to get it done and again say “yes, but if it were possible, how would you do it?” Put the onus back on them to find an answer and a solution.
The third reason people complain is to Inspire Envy – this is people doing a humble brag by saying that they don’t have the trait about which they are complaining. So, “my boss is so stupid,” is saying “I am so smart, and if I was in charge things would be much better” People who are complaining to inspire envy are wanting you to complement them, and so do that, but without giving into their complaint. So if they say “so and so is never on time” say “the thing I appreciate about you is your punctuality.” Or “they don’t have any fashion sense,” respond “the thing I like about you is you always dress so well.” You are not agreeing with them in the complaints, but you are giving them what you want and so are stopping the behavior.
The fourth reason is Power. In any group, including the church, there are power dynamics and play and people fighting for power, and so what power complaining does is try and purchase power by recruiting soldiers to fight on their side, to build support against a rival should a power struggle arise. They are saying “if it ever comes down to me against them, here are the reasons you should be on my side.” The way to stop this is to show first that your loyalty is not for sale and don’t get involved, or stuck in the middle, and most importantly to stop the triangulation that is taking place, and say “it sounds like you have a problem with this person, so you should really talk with them about it, and I would be happy to help facilitate that conversation, but I’m not going to be in the middle.” And if or when it continues, keep saying “you really need to talk with them about this.” When you show that you won’t be involved, they will either take their complaints elsewhere, stop complaining or go to the person they should be talking to about the problem.<
And the final reason people complain is to Excuse Poor Performance. This is different than removing responsibility, which is often about inaction, but this takes place after something has happened. Have you ever watched a tennis match and the player makes a bad shot, and they immediately look at their racket and maybe adjust the strings? What are they doing there? They are saying that the bad shot was not their fault, it was the rackets fault. This is “the sun got in my eyes” or “I was hit before I made the shot” or “I didn’t have the right equipment to do the job.” It’s an attempt to rationalize away what happened and say that it wasn’t your fault. And so the question to ask is “what are you going to do differently next time?” That is what have you learned, and how are you going to incorporate that into your life?”
Not complaining is not a talent, it’s a skill, and like any skill it can be acquired simply be doing it, or not doing it again and again. And it takes your time and dedication, especially when it seems so hard at the beginning, but like any skill it gets easier the more you do it. And so if you take on the challenge, here is what it will look like. It will be day 1 and then day 1 and then day 1 and then day 1, and you’ll go like that for a while and then it will be day 2, and then day 1, and then day 2 and day 3 and maybe day 4, and then day 1, and you keep working at it until you get 21 days in a row, which again normally takes 4-8 months on average, and then you keep going.
And here is my theological argument for why we should be doing this. In Romans Paul says “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” The pattern of this world is complaining, and by not complaining we are actually renewing our minds. But here is the even more important piece and that is that we are to proclaim the good news of Jesus Christ, our savior, and that should be a cause of celebration. Do we bring good news by complaining? Do we bring good news by conforming to the ways of the world? Do we bring good news by always talking about negative things? No. Our lives should reflect the good news we have received. Our actions should reflect the good news we have received. Our words should reflect the good news we have received and words are important and have meaning, and we know that because we proclaim the word made flesh who came to dwell amongst us as transforming the world.
And so what we say should matter and our complaining all the time does not match who we are called to be. and even worse is that we are told not to take the Lord’s name in vain, which we often attribute to words we say about God, but what if taking the Lord’s name in vain is to proclaim our allegiance to God but then living as anything but disciples of Christ, of setting a bad example for what Christians are, or allowing people to think bad things about Christians or about God because of what we do and say. What if that is what it means to take God’s name in vain? We are called to give thanks and praise in all situations and so I challenge you this year to take on this activity to find the positives in situations so that we can learn to complain when we truly need to express pain, grief and distress, and to learn to be happier in all other situations. I pray that it will be so my brothers and sisters. Amen.
