So far as we have walked this journey of forgiveness, we have looked at what forgiveness is not, some of the reasons why we need to forgive and then last week we looked at the steps of forgiveness, if ever so briefly, and we are going to return to that today as we move onto the idea of forgiveness in families. Now the steps to forgiveness in families are not different from those to forgiving others, but the hurts we have in our families are often bigger or deeper because we have greater expectations from those we love, or whom are supposed to love us, than we do for others in our lives. And so, when there are breaches of trust or loss, and most often that’s what happens with our family hurts, they dig deeper into our lives and the stones that we carry as a result and bigger and heavier, and so I thought it necessary to try and deal with these issues specifically. But, before we get into those hurts and how we forgive them, I wanted to switch things up a bit, because while we’ve talked about how to give forgiveness we haven’t talked about how to seek forgiveness, and while that too could probably be its own message, we’re not going to spend that much time discussing it, but it is important to at least talk about because as I said just as we carry rocks around representing the hurts that others have given us, so too others carry around the rocks of hurt that have our names on them.
Rev. Adam Hamilton says that there are six words everyone needs to know to be able to keep a relationship together. The first three are hard, and that is, as we’ve been working on, “I forgive you.” But the other three may be even harder, and so we’re going to practice saying them, and that is “Please forgive me.” Can we say that together? Now while I think that’s a good start, I do disagree with him and think that there’s six other words that have to go along with this. The first of those three is “I was wrong.” Can we say that together? And the final three are “I am sorry.” Now how about we say all three of them? I wanted to practice here because it’s easier to practice it when there’s nothing on the line then saying it without practice when it really matters. And it doesn’t matter which order you say them in, but they are the start. Just as one of the steps of giving forgiveness is to name exactly what it is that happened and why it hurt, and the same is true in seeking forgiveness. If we are truly seeking forgiveness, then we have to be able to say what we did and why it was wrong. If we cannot admit that, then we’re not actually seeking forgives, we’re just seeking to be absolved of our guilt, and those are not the same thing. This is also the not the time in which you seek to explain yourself, or make excuses. The one exception to that is if it’s to use that to say what you learned from it so you can try and not have it happen again.
I once messed up and didn’t help someone in a time of
crisis, because I was honestly also in a time of crisis; see there’s my excuse.
But when he told me how I had hurt him. I apologized and said I was sorry. He
never said that he forgave me, and perhaps he wasn’t ready to say that, and
that’s a key to seeking forgiveness is that the person we hurt is under no
obligation to forgive, even if we ask. Forgiveness is a gift that is freely
given, and has to be freely given, and it cannot be demanded or even expected.
But, I in a later conversation tell him my side of the story, again not as an
excuse, because I then I told him what I learned from it so that I hoped not to
repeat the situation again. So simple steps again, if we need to seek
forgiveness, simply tell them what you did, why you were sorry, that you
understand that you hurt them, and then ask for forgiveness. And then simply
shut-up and listen, and be prepared for whatever they have to say, even if it
is to say that they don’t forgive and never can forgive, and don’t be defensive
and be prepared to simply walk away, although you might also be prepared to
answer, or at least consider, what they say is needed or necessary to make
things right, to bring some level of restitution to them, which can be part of
what is known as a restorative justice process. And there is so much more to
say, but keep it brief to the point and sincere and remember that it’s not
about you, which is exactly an important thing to remember, and we’ll come back
to that.
Leo Tolstoy, in his novel Anna Karenina, famously wrote,
“All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.”
And so, what we also find is the dysfunctions and traumas within families also
tend to be intergenerational, that is they are passed down from one generation
to the next. Why? First because we tend to do what we were taught to do, either
directly or through what we observed. Our parenting skills tend to be fairly
similar to what our parents did to us, and theirs from their parents, and so
on. There can be changes that happen, but often this is because a parent has
made a conscious decision not to do what happened to them. Sometimes it’s
because they have gone through a forgiveness process, but certainly not always.
And so, the saying that parents do the best the can have a large level of truth
to it, although you can’t push it as far as some I have read that say because
of that that you don’t need to forgiven parents for wrongs done because they
only did what they were taught. I think that goes way too far. But, it does
mean that sometimes in forgiveness we need to think beyond just what happened
to us, to try and stop intergenerational problems, and when we think of that
and dysfunctional families, I think the family of Isaac, Jacob and Joseph has
to be a great example of this. Just a very quick recap, Abraham has two sons
with two different women, and it is clear that Sarah gives preference to Isaac
over Ishmael, including ordering Ishmael out of the home. Perhaps Isaac would
learn the lesson about the dangers and damages that come with favoring a one
child to the exclusion of the other, but he doesn’t. and so, he favors his son
Esau, while his wife favors Jacob, and Jacob sort of wins that battle, although
he has to flee for his life as a result. And you would think that Jacob would
learn the lesson about the dangers and damages that happen as a result of
favoring one child to the exclusion of others, but he doesn’t, and he not only
has favorite wives, which also causes problems, but he favors his son Joseph
over the other 11 children. And the same issues then repeat themselves.
And not only do the other brothers resent Joseph because of
this favoritism, which famously includes a technicolor dream-coat, and he also
looks amazingly like Donny Osmond. But we also have to remember that before his
brothers decide to sell Joseph into slavery that he is really a jerk. They
don’t just dislike him because of how his father treats him, but also because
of how he treats them. And so, as we talking about forgiveness, sometimes as we do this process it may become clear
that we will need to ask for forgiveness for our parts as well as give
forgiveness for what the others have done. Now, does the fact that we may have
played a role in what happens justify what the other person did? Absolutely
not. In this story, the brothers had no right to sell Joseph into slavery, right?
No matter how much of a jerk Joseph was, that was not the appropriate response.
This is not an act of blaming the victim. Joseph is not responsible for their
actions.
But, stepping away from the story, there are several other
considerations to take into account as we seek to forgive. The first is to try and know, or to remember
the backstory of the people who hurt us. As I said last week, hurt people, hurt
people. Criminologist Jillian Peterson began her career studying people on
death row and she said that one of the things she discovered was that the worse
the crime, the worse the backstory of the person who committed the crime would
be. Does that explain away what happened? No. Is it an excuse for what
happened? No. But it does help to try and soften the edges around what was done
to us, and helps us to see them as hurting human beings. Desmond Tutu wrote
about a time in which he stopped at a convenience store in South African during
apartheid, and the convenience store clerk called him a disgusting name and refused
him service or the ability to use the restroom. He said that that experience
hurt him, but putting himself in the other man’s shoes he said that he could
not say for certain that if he had been born white in South African, rather
than black, and been taught the same thing this cashier had been taught that he
would not have done exactly the same thing if he has been in that place. And
that thought, he said, made it easier to practice forgiveness. And again, I
want to be clear, this is not to justify the behavior or to say that it was
okay or that it didn’t hurt, because to give forgiveness is to say all of those
things are true, but it helps to give a new perspective to see them as hurt
human beings, and remembering, as Richard Rohr says, pain that is not
transformed will be transmitted, and so we work on transforming our pain which
can also help others to see that and learn to transform their pain so they
don’t hurt again.
Another step is to assume the best of intentions. Sometimes
this can be hard, but it can reframe the situation so that we can see what the
person is doing in a more positive light. That person who is driving like an
idiot and speeding, perhaps they are rushing to the hospital, or they just got
the worst news you can imagine and are rushing to be with someone. It doesn’t
change what they are doing, but it does change how we perceive the actions and
how it impacts us.
And the final part of is not to take things personally.
Again, some will say not to take anything personal, and I think that’s really
hard, because there are some things that are personal, or are done specifically
against us, but most things are not. Most people who hurt us don’t do so
because they are hurt, and so if we can think that this is not about us, and
working with the thought above of assuming the best, then it allows us to not
take in personally so that we don’t get upset about it and then not get hurt by
it or have to work towards forgiveness. One example, if someone cuts us off in
traffic, it’s not about us, or if it is we need to take responsibility for
that, and if we assume the best we could say they are rushing to the hospital.
And if we take it personally, and get upset, then it could be that we then take
our frustration out at someone at work, and then they take that out on the
waiter at lunch, who takes it out on another customer, or perhaps at the clerk
at the gas station, who then cuts off someone on the way home, and it just keeps
going, and somehow all that negative energy and anger makes its way to the
middle east. It’s also then recognizing that the way someone is treating you
often is about something else with which they are dealing, and if we think as
someone is mad at us that it means that they are hurting themselves, it can
lead us to greater compassion for them, and this is especially true in families
because we often take our frustrations or hurts out on those closest to us
because they are our safe spot, and we also often expect them to put up with
us, whether that’s true or appropriate. And so, try and assume the best of
intentions and try not to take things personally, not just with those we love,
but with everyone.
And that leads us back to Joseph. There is a lot of things
that we don’t know about this story. Does Joseph take responsibility for what
he did to his brothers? We don’t know, but perhaps that helps him take a
different perspective. He clearly has a change of heart and view about the
events that lead him and his brother to this moment, and we’ll talk about
whether God caused this, or could be blamed for this, in our last message in
three weeks. But, I do think that much of that has to do with the time that has
passed. It’s been 22 years since Joseph was sold into slavery, which helps
explain why his brothers don’t recognize him, as he is now 39, and was 17 when
they last saw him. Would Joseph have been able to forgive his brothers if he
had encountered them immediately, or just a few years later when he was in
prison? Maybe, but maybe not. Sometimes time helps us to see things in a
different ways, not because time heals all wounds, as we sometimes say, because
time does not heal wounds. Sometimes time covers them over, but they are still
raw and hurting under the surface, but it can help us to process things better.
And we should also note that it is possible to forgive too soon, not for us,
but for the person we are forgiving. That doesn’t stop our work, but before we
tell someone else that they are forgiven they need to deal with their actions
and responsibility. Giving them forgiveness too soon can stop them from doing
the work they need to do in learning or even from seeking forgiveness. Which
leads to the last point, and that is whether or how or why to confront someone
for the harms they have caused us.
Last week I said that most of the time we do not need to
actually physically confront the person who hurt us to either tell them what
they did and why it hurts and offer them forgiveness, and there are several
reasons for that. One of them is that being confronted often causes people to
act defensively, and for many people that potentially angry response only
causes setbacks. It’s also possible they can and will deny that they did
anything wrong, and in some cases that might be the case. I’ve been in
managerial positions for more than 30 years and have terminated my share of
employees, and only one of them has thanked me or it. And so, I know that there
are some who carry around stone with my name on it, who may need to work on
forgiveness, but for which I have no guilt. But, for family members, or close
friends, especially for whom we want to work on reconciliation, which is the
theme for next week, then confronting them as part of the process is necessary.
The things that can happen are still possibilities, and so we need to be
prepared for that. As a preliminary you should talk this over with a counselor,
if you have one, and you might one to get one to help you with these bigger
hurts, or with your support people. Role play how you might respond if they
deny, or get defensive, or gaslight you or try and make it your fault, so you
are prepared for that before you begin. I would also encourage you to think
about what you want from this, why you need to do it and what you hope to get
out of it. And if the purpose is only to tell them what a schmuck they are,
then that’s not forgiveness, it’s a form of retaliation. The purpose is to tell
your story in order to get it all out, so that you can then leave it behind,
and perhaps they can as well. And finally go in knowing that it can be and
probably will be painful, even if you know that they have serious regrets and
want your forgiveness. But, if you can’t confront them, or don’t want to, like
last week I would recommend pretending they are there to tell them the story,
or have someone play them in that scenario, or write them a letter even if you
know you are never going to send it. That is also what to do if you cannot talk
to them because they are no longer present.
The story of Joseph and his brothers is rich in some many ways, but especially in the story of forgiveness. Joseph is able to forgive his brothers for what they have done, but not only forgive, but to seek their welfare. The definition we have been using for forgiveness comes from Dr. Joanna North and she says, “When unjustly hurt by another, we forgive when we overcome the resentment toward the offender, not by denying our right to the resentment, but instead by trying to offer the wrongdoer compassion, benevolence and love.” That’s what Joseph does, and I think what he also does is to stop generational trauma. His act of forgiveness stops the repetition of what the family has done for generations, and write a new future not just for him but for everyone. He sets a new story of hope for the family so that the hurt no longer continues to hurt, rather than transmitting his pain he has transformed it so that there is transformation in the relationships. That same reality is available to us when we make the conscious choice to forgive, especially for the wounds we carry from those who were or are close to us. I pray that it will be so my brothers and sisters. Amen.
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