Forigiving Yourself

 Here is my message from Sunday. The passage was the parable of the Prodigal Son

Some of you have heard this story before, but when I was in elementary school, which went through 8th grade where we lived, there was another boy in our class that we tormented mercilessly. His name was Paul, although we called him Pauline because he was, to put it bluntly, a little effeminate, and definitely not good at sports, and in a school system that prioritized athletics that was a big problem. Just as a quick reference to what that meant. I had two people from my graduating class of a little over 300 who played in the NFL. And so, we bullied him, and I went right along with it, and to be honest the teachers sort of tacitly approved of it as well as they never stopped us. He never cried at school about how he was treated, because I think he knew that would make it worse. But I assume that there were days that he went home after school and cried simply wondering why he was being tormented and what he could do to stop it. I don’t know why I went along with bullying him, because you might be surprised by remarkable athletic physique but I was not a lot higher on the social hierarchy than Paul was. But I was higher, and perhaps I did it to make sure that he would stay there and someone else would be the target rather than me.

Now I don’t know if Paul was gay, although I suspect that he was, and knowing the much higher rate at which members of the gay and lesbian community take their lives as teenagers than other teens I really wonder if he made it. He went to another high school, but I assume that the bullying continued, and one of my great fears is that he didn’t make it, and that I played a role in that. And that I should have known better, I shouldn’t have done it, because I was on the receiving end enough of it myself, but I didn’t. That is one of those things that I carry around with me that I have not yet been able to forgive myself for, because I should have been better and done more. And even 40 years later it is still there, and so today we move onto the idea of learning to forgive ourselves, which probably has been the most requested issue as have made our way through thinking and talking about how to forgive. So how do we forgive ourselves?

Some of it starts with an understanding of guilt and blame and shame. For those who are working on the Brene Brown class as part of our programming night, which begin at 4, you might have talked about this, but she says that the difference between guilt and shame is that guilt surrounds something that we have done, and usually something we wish we hadn’t done, which then surrounds issues of forgiveness, and shame is about who we think we are as a person, for which forgiveness may or may not play a role, but for which counseling definitely needs to play a part, as well the recognition and acceptance as part of our faith that we are always much more than the worst thing we have ever done. That we are loved, beloved and worthy in the eyes of God, and we’ll come back to that. And so, I can have guilt over what I did to Paul, and the need to seek forgiveness and give forgiveness because it was my acts that caused that pain. But, I had a friend in college who had struck and killed a child when he was 17. He was not speeding, he was not distracted, he did nothing wrong, except be in the wrong place at the wrong time when a young child darted out from in front of a parked car into his line of traffic. Is he guilty of anything there? He may feel guilty, and the child’s parents may need to walk the path of forgiveness, and it may be a tragedy that he carries with him, but working to let go of that is going to be different from the first because there is not an acceptance of blame or a confession of wrongdoing. But they are still things we carry with us.

In Hebrew, the word that related to something that needs to be forgiven, means to carry, and so we’ve been talking about the fact that the things we need to forgive, these hurts, are like these rocks that we carry around with us. But the things we need to seek forgiveness for, including those we need to forgive ourselves for, are also these rocks that we carry around with us. The comedian and actor Billy Crystal says that the last words he ever said to his father were shut-up, to which his father responded “don’t you ever say that to me again.” Neither of them knew that his father would die of a heart attack that night, and so there was not opportunity to correct it. Crystal said that his father’s death caused him to push around a very large stone for a long time. And so, we have a similar story in the passage we heard this morning which has come to be known as the parable of the prodigal son, although it might better be called the parable of the forgiving father.

Quick recap, the younger son goes to his father and asks for his inheritance now, which basically says “I wish you were dead.” And surprisingly the father does what is requested of him, and then the younger son goes off and squanders all of the money, because why would we expect anything else. Then reaching rock bottom, he, as a Jew, hires himself out to work with pigs, something Jews aren’t really supposed to do, as pigs are not Kosher. And not only is he working with pigs, but he is starving so much he wishes he could eat what the pigs are eating. And having hit this bottom, he realizes that even his father’s servants are probably in a better place than he is, especially eating better, and so he is going to go back home and apologize. Now I think it might be fair to ask whether the son is then sorry because of what he did, or if he’s sorry because of the consequences, that his actions have caught up with him. But for me what sets this to a genuine repentance is three things. The first is that he doesn’t offer any excuses. He doesn’t try and explain away what has happened, or even try and dismiss the apology. We see this a lot in public apologies from politicians and entertainers. They rarely just say, I’m sorry. Instead they give an excuse, that they were misunderstood, or were not clear, which is certainly possible, but then rather than simply saying “I’m sorry.” Instead they say something like “If you were offended, I’m sorry,” which is not really an apology. It’s like saying to everyone else, their weak, and it was funny right? They might even say something like “I’m sorry to offend you,” as if the problem is you not them. Pay attention to these, because they are not actually apologies. An Apology says “I’m sorry” and then you stop talking.

Second, the son also says that he has not only sinned against his father, but he has also sinned against God. His actions have led to broken relationships all around. I think a key piece of seeking forgiveness of recognizing the multiple relationships that have been impacted. And then finally, he does not seek to have everything return to the way it was before. He asks his father then to treat him as a hired hand because he is not worthy to be called his son. This is an incredible move of humility. And that’s what he is prepared to say to his father, but you may notice that he doesn’t get to say all of that because his father cuts him off, because the son has already been enveloped in the arms of forgiveness. The father is so glad that his child has returned that it doesn’t matter. There is nothing in all of creation that can separate the son from his father’s love. Now does the son forgive himself? That’s unknown, and perhaps him being prepared to no longer be treated as his son, because he no longer seems himself as worthy, which is his judgment, not his father’s, and to be treated as a servant is what he sees as the appropriate punishment for what he has done, and if he doesn’t receive that then there is something lacking. That’s clearly a part of what the older brother wants; he wants him punished, or even banished, for his behavior, but the father is willing to wipe it all clean because that’s how love and forgiveness from God work.

And so here gets to the crux of learning how to forgive ourselves, and the first step is to confess what we have done and seek forgiveness. If possible, we should do that to the person we injured. That’s not always possible, they could be dead or we don’t even know how to reach them, which is true for me with Paul. It might also not be appropriate or healthy for the other person to reach out to them. Again, the purpose here is really not to appease ourselves in the process, because then it’s not really seeking forgiveness, but assuaging our guilt, and I know that seems like what we are doing to let go, but that’s not really what’s happening and it’s not fair to the other person. And so, this might simply involve writing them a letter seeking forgiveness knowing that it won’t be sent or answered. But, I would also strongly recommend saying the apology out loud and asking for forgiveness out loud, as putting words out into the universe really does have a powerful affect, more than just writing them. And just as an aside, what do we do if we seek forgiveness from someone, tell them we are wrong, but they refuse to forgive us? Nothing. We walk away. Again, forgiveness must be freely given, we cannot demand it or even expect it. All we can do is genuinely seek it by admitting to our wrong doing and asking for it. And so, don’t keep going back again and again. Number one it’s just annoying and two that changes the process to being about us.

But, building upon that, one of the things that the Protestant reformation did, on many things, was to throw the baby out with the bathwater, and I think that’s true with confession. Now I recognize the many problems that come with that, but there is something to be said for having to admit to another person the things we have done wrong. Of confessing the areas of brokenness in our lives. And so, if you can’t do that to the person you hurt, as the prodigal son does, then confessing to another can be a very powerful way of seeking to let go of the rocks, or boulders that we carry. Additionally, because we are so geared to a retributive justice system, that is that there has to be punishment that comes when we do something wrong, then a confession with a degree of responsibility or penalty given. And perhaps it needs to be a little more than just ten hail marries and our fathers. Perhaps others can make a recommendation for a way to try and make things whole, or at least better, as a way of trying to give the rock away. So, for example, I might make a donation to an anti-bullying group, or a group working with gay teens, as a way of trying to make things right with Paul, to help others deal with what he went through because of me as a way of seeking restitution. Others can play a great role in this in helping us to release these stones.

I will warn you that this process, just like when we are seeking to forgive, can bring up a lot of unexpected and unrealized emotions. Joe’s young son died in a household accident, even though Joe was there there was nothing he could do, and he is plagued with the fact that his son’s last word was him crying out “daddy,” and all the what-ifs that surround a tragedy like that. He was not responsible, but he feels the guilt, he carries that rock with him. In working with the issues surrounding his son’s death, what Joe discovered was that he actually held onto some anger with his son for dying.  That may sound wrong, but remember that having feelings are okay, even though they may seem wrong, or not fair, even if they might not make sense.  But all the dreams he had for his son, his dreams of seeing him play sports, and graduating and getting married, all those were broken and unfulfilled when his son died.  And so, as part of the process of forgiving himself, he had to do the same process we have been talking about and tell his son that he was mad that none of the things that he hoped to do with him, and he listed them out, were going to happen, and then to forgive his son and let them all go.  And when that happened, Joe was then able to work on forgiving himself.

And that leads us then to the key piece of learning to forgive ourselves, and that is that we, just as the younger son does, need to confess to God and seek to repent, that is try not to do it again, and to know that in doing that we are forgiven. Now this is where the rubber really hits the road, because what we will often say to ourselves, what I’ve said to myself, and the reason that I can’t let this thing go is something like, “well, if God really knew what I did, then God wouldn’t forgive,” or “there is no way that God could forgive me for this,” or perhaps even “This is just not forgivable.” But, to hold onto any of those is to deny what God tells us about forgiveness, of what Jesus tells us about forgiveness. Jesus told that the only unforgiveable sin is cursing the Holy Spirit, and we could even argue whether that is truly unforgiveable.  That means that God is ready to forgive us everything. The father is waiting at the gate in order to be ready to welcome us home, to remind us that there is nothing in all of creation, nothing we have done or will do that can separate us from God’s love, from God’s grace, from God’s mercy, from God’s forgiveness. But, we have to be willing to accept it.

Once again, the definition of forgiveness that I have been using for this series comes from Dr. Joanna North who said, “When unjustly hurt by another, we forgive when we overcome the resentment toward the offender, not by denying our right to the resentment, but instead by trying to offer the wrongdoer compassion, benevolence and love.” And so, if we are equating Forgiveness with compassion, benevolence and love, then guess what we have to do for ourselves? Show ourselves compassion, benevolence and love. And showing ourselves compassion, benevolence and love means not only knowing about forgiveness but accepting God’s forgiveness for ourselves. And I know that’s hard, but what’s holding us back? Are we sort of locked in to being a martyr for what we have done, thinking that if we continue to flagellate ourselves it will matter? Why do we think we get to hold ourselves to a higher standard than God does? Do we think we are more stringent or more correct about things than God is?  Or perhaps this mistake we made has simply become how we view ourselves, that it is part of how we see ourselves.

But as we said with those who have wounded us, forgiveness can free them to become someone new, to be transformed and the same is true for us. God is willing, ready, willing and able to forgive us. God is standing at the gate ready to rush out to us, ready to welcome us home and to receive us with hugs, kisses, with the good robe and with the banquet feast to forgive us everything and welcome us home.  God is ready to forgive, but we must be willing to receive, so stop stalling, stop lying to yourself about forgiveness, stop hording your hurts and wounds and turn them over to God. We began this series by being reminded of the fact that in the waters of baptism we are washed clean, and we remembered our baptismal vows, and the second week we took the next step by choosing to drop just one stone indicating a beginning of the path to forgiveness, and today we are going to combine them. I am inviting you forward in a moment to drop another stone into our baptismal font, and rather than making a loud sound like before, this time it will be swallowed in the waters of God’s mercy and we will remember God’s forgiveness and accept it so that we can then forgive ourselves and practice compassion, benevolence and love on ourselves because we cannot love our neighbors without simultaneously loving ourselves. We cannot forgive our neighbors without also learning to forgive ourselves. I pray that it will be so my brothers and sisters.