I want you to close your eyes and be still for a moment…. Now I want you to think about a time, or times, in which you were truly seen. Not in someone actually seeing you in order to walk around you, or avoid you, but when someone saw into the depths of your soul, for lack of a better term. Perhaps they saw something in you that you didn’t see in yourself, some gift or talent. Or they pushed you beyond what you ever thought possible yourself to help you achieve something. Or they were they for you when it mattered the most, doing something for you that few other people could or would do. Have you thought about that moment? Now, how did it make you feel? Not intellectually but emotionally. I’m guessing that some of those feelings might be about belonging, or valued or appreciated, perhaps honored or respected, and perhaps you felt happy or flattered or even cherished and treasured. And all of those things have some connection with love, not as the feeling per se, but as the sense of someone wanting the best for you. And all of those are connected to the sense of relationship, which is what we are tackling today. And since today is Mother’s Day, I would also be willing to bet that for a significant number of us, the people who have truly seen us have tended to be women, perhaps our mothers, but perhaps not, but maybe an aunt, grandmother, neighbor, teacher or someone at church, someone whose eyes bore into us in a special way and with whom we therefore had a deeper relationship than normal.
Now every relationship does not mean that we are seen in that sense, but when we are seen it makes a difference and connects us in a different way, and it changes us and it can even change the world. (SLIDE 2) In his national book award winning novel, The Invisible Man, widely considered one of the best and most important novels of the last Century, Ralph Ellison begins his tale of a black man in American society by saying “I am an invisible man. No, I am not a spook like those who haunted Edgar Allan Poe; nor am I one of your Hollywood-movie ectoplasms. I am a man of substance, of flesh and bone, fiber and liquids-- and I might even be said to possess a mind. I am invisible, understand, simply because people refuse to see me…. That invisibility to which I refer occurs because of a peculiar disposition of the eyes of those with whom I come in contact. A matter of the construction of their inner eyes, those eyes with which they look through their physical eyes upon reality…. you often doubt if you really exist. You wonder whether you aren't simply a phantom in other people's minds…. You ache with the need to convince yourself that you do exist in the real world, that you're a part of all the sound and anguish, and you strike out with your fists, you curse and you swear to make them recognize you.” And that sense of invisibility, and striking out, also plays a significant role of what is happening in the world as we think about relationship.
Our metaphor for this series is about dancing, and in
particular about dancing with God. But think about dancing in all of its
various forms. It’s about relationship. Even if it’s only one-person dancing,
they are in relationship with the music that provides them the rhythm, perhaps
even if only they can hear it, or they are in relationship with those who are
watching their dance. And the best dancers are seamless in this relationship
with each other, you can’t tell where one person ends and the other begins, who
is leading and who is following, it just flows together. Think of Fred Astaire
and Ginger Rogers, their embodiment together was special, and let’s not forget
that Ginger was also doing what Fred was doing, only going backwards and in
high heels, right moms? Happy Mother’s Day. And while we might not be able to
name what makes the dance so special, we just know, we also know when things
aren’t going right. I talked about Linda and I taking dancing lessons in
preparation for our wedding at Arthur Murray, and glad to hear from other
Arthur Murray alums out there, but you have private lessons, group lessons and
then there are dance parties that everyone can attend, which they encourage as
it exposes you to people of all different levels. But I was asked to dance by a
very experienced dancer at one of the events, and rather than just leading,
which probably would have been better and welcome by me, in order to teach me
new things, she instead expected me to lead but then criticized me through the
whole thing, and not in a let me teach you how to be better way, but in “I thought
you knew how to do this dance, you should already know” type of way, which is
not a good way to build relationship or very effective for dancing, and let me
just say I never danced with her again. There was an opportunity for
relationship, and improvement, certainly on my side, but it was lost. Lesson
learned.
In the passage we heard this morning from John, which as
Cathy said comes just before Jesus is arrested on his last night, and after he
has given final teachings to the disciples, he then begins to pray to God and
he is praying for the disciples. And there are some striking things that this
prayer contains. One is simply prayers of thanksgiving for the knowledge they
have received and, he says, their understanding of who Jesus is. But then he
also prays that the disciples, and we might broaden that out to the church in
general, or to all disciples, will be one, just as Jesus and the Father are
one. And so, we think about relationships, we often talk about the relationship
between Jesus and the church, as a groom to the bride, and a similar metaphor
is used between God and Israel. But we also have to understand the relationship
within the godhead of Father, Son and Holy Spirit. They are three in one and
one in three, a mystery. And yet that relationship also serves as an example
for us in so many ways. Because while there is unity, they are one, there is
not uniformity, they are three. Each part of the trinity plays a different role
and they are not the same. And the father is not the son and the son is not the
Holy Spirit and the Holy Spirit is not the Father. They have different
characteristics and roles. And it is from God that we have our best example and
demonstration of unconditional love and sacrificial love, it is the model. And
yet the parts all move together equally in this dance, and then call for us to
participate in dancing, that we will be one as God is one, unity but not
uniformity.
And perhaps, after God, the best demonstration of this love,
of this dance, of this relationship is from our mothers and other significant
women in our lives. I am not going to say that all mothers are perfect in their
love and relationships, because they are human too, and yet for most of us when
we think about examples of unconditional love and sacrificial love it is from
our moms, and those who were metaphorical mothers for us. And the truth is that
we not only crave this relationship when we are born, we need it simply to survive.
Numerous studies have shown the incredibly damaging results to infants and
children who are not handled and loved on, up to and including their deaths. In
orphanages in the former Soviet Union countries it was found that within just
18 months in that setting that children could have profound psychological
damage done. And to help us make these connections, I read this week that all
children are born near sighted so that they can focus on the face that’s right
in front of them, everything else behind is a blur, but the face in front of
them is emphasized so they can make these connections early, not just to
survive, but to thrive. And so, connection, relationship with others is not
just a desire for people is hard wired into us, and is necessary for us to even
survive. And I think one of the things that Jesus shows us is that relationship
is tied up, and surrounded by prayer.
I’m guessing that most of us don’t think about relationships
as being about prayer, even if we routinely pray for family and friends. But
it’s even more than that, since we are also to pray for our enemies, and the
reason, I believe, as I have said before, is not because it changes them, but
because it changes us. It’s really hard to dislike, let alone hate someone we
are praying for, at least if we are praying for them properly, that is not for
bad things to happen to them. It forces us to see them differently and maybe
even to love them, in the Biblical sense of that word which is, as St.
Augustine said, to will the good for another. And so, it forces us outside of
ourselves, outside of our own feelings, thoughts and desires to begin to see
others as God sees them, or maybe as their mothers see them, and that is a
great place to be to be in relationship. And it comes from that unity. The
great black theologian Howard Thurman, who was the first black minister to be
the dean of a chapel at a predominantly white institution, which was Boston
University, a Methodist school said “Jesus rejected hatred because he saw
hatred meant death to the mind, death to the spirit and death to communion with
his Father. He affirmed life; and hatred was the great denial.” And it is the
great denial because it is the denial of the divine in others, it is the denial
of the humanity in others, it is the denial of the soul in others. And that
leads to destructive things, as David Brooks said “the essence of evil is the
tendency to obliterate the humanity of another.” It is to not see the other, as
Ralph Ellison said as we started this message, to make others invisible. But
just as God sees us, sees us to our core, and loves us unconditionally, so too
are we called to see others, to love others, to be Christ to the world. To
engage in that dance of relationship, so that Christ’s joy may be made complete
in us.
And so that means learning to truly see people, not as we
want them to be, but as they are, as beloved children of God, even if we don’t
like them. But to know that God made a variety of flavors in the world, because
variety is what is needed to get God’s work done. And it’s not really about
them at all, but about us. And it starts with us. As I’ve quoted before, Carey Nieuwohf
has said that no one should out relationship the church. This is our
wheelhouse, or better for me, it’s right in our strike zone. And there is a
loneliness crisis in this country, spanning all age ranges. People thought that
the more connected we were, the less lonely we would be, but that’s not the
case, and a large part of that is because a large percentage of social media is
performance art, and not really about connection. And even though people might
have thousands of “friends” on Facebook, it’s not what they are. You can be in
community and still be lonely, and I would also add that you can be alone and
not be lonely too. But our loneliness, our disconnection, is leading to all
sorts of negative consequences, including health, including increasing hate and
animosity, and some of the violence we witness, which is often, as the news
says, done by loners. But, as one person observed, they aren’t loners, they are
failed connectors, failed joiners. They want to be in relationship and aren’t,
for lots of reasons, and so that love rejected comes back as hate to the world.
Or to say that pain that is not transformed will be transmitted, because hurt
people hurt people. And so, one way we work to solve this is by not rejecting
more, but by connecting more and it starts with each and every one of us.
If you want the world to be more forgiving, we have to be
forgiving. If we want the world to be more peaceful, we want to be more
peaceful. If we want the world to be more kind, we have to be more kind. If we
want the world to be more loving, we have to be more loving. If we want the
world to be calm we have to be calmer. If we want the world to be more sympathetic,
we have to be more sympathetic. If we want the world to be more compassionate,
we have to be more compassionate. If we want the world to be considerate, we
have to be more considerate. If we want the world to be more generous, we have
to be more generous. If we want the world to be more caring, we have to be more
caring, and on and one. And not just some of the time, but all the time, in all
that we say and all that we do. If we want the world to be less lonely, more
connected, then we have to be more connected, and to make that happen we have
to create around us what has been called a zone of hospitality. That we exude
hospitality in how we receive and deal with people to be the love of Christ to
the world.
And it may seem really hard, and I’m not saying it’s easy,
but here is a simple piece of advice. People like to talk about themselves, so
get them doing so. Less than 10% of conversations involve a question, and yet
60% of conversations swirl around questions, or deal with questions, so ask
people questions that engage them, let me give you just a few examples, and
it’s not about what they do, because that doesn’t always lead somewhere,
especially in a town where they often can’t say. But, ask them where they are
from? Ask how their parents came up with their name? Ask them why they came to
believe what they do? Or why they do what they do, which is more interesting
then just their occupation. Ask them what they are passionate about? Ask them
who has had the biggest influence on their lives? Ask them what their perfect
weekend or vacation would be? Ask if they didn’t have to work to pay bills,
what would they do? Ask them what brings them hope? A little more personal, so
not necessarily with strangers, what is their greatest fear? What stresses them
out? What is their greatest accomplishment? How do they measure success and
why? And then don’t ask to respond yourself but ask to actually listen to what
they have to say, which usually means asking follow up questions about what you
have heard. And here’s the thing about just listening versus listening to
respond. Studies have shown that the same part of the brain the listens is also
the part of the brain that process responses to what we hear. So, guess what
that means? If you are listening to respond, you are not actually listening
because your brain is now doing something else instead. So instead, simply seek
to connect, to see the other person, because even people we don’t like have
interesting stories to tell, and people like to be seen for who they are.
Jennette Jerome, an American heiress who became Winston Churchill’s mother, said that she once dined with William Gladstone, a once Prime Minister, and she said she left dinner thinking that he was the cleverest man in England. Then she had dinner with his rival Benjamin Disraeli, another Prime Minister, and she said she left thinking that she was the cleverest person in England. As David Brooks says, “it’s nice to be like Gladstone, but it’s better to be like Disraeli.” God sees us and wants the best for us, that is the nature of God’s invitation to dance the dance of faith. But God also wants us to be in relation with each other, to be one as the trinity is one, unified but not uniform. And that relationship with others starts with us and it starts by learning to truly see others, just as our mothers saw us, not as a means to an end, but as an end in ourselves, as beautiful and loved and loveable just as we are. It’s time to make our mommas proud, and to make everyone who has seen us and made us who we are proud, by seeking to change the world one person, one conversation, one relationship at a time. That we might be known as a community as God’s love in the world, because we connect with people because of that love and through that love. And in doing that, then the joy of Christ will be complete in us. May we be a people of relationship, with ourselves, with our neighbors, with friend and foe alike, with all the world. I pray that it will be so my brothers and sisters. Amen.
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