Okay, I tried to stay away from the Roger Clemens issue for a while now, but I just can’t do it. In case you don’t pay attention to these things, last week Roger Clemens was indicted on charges of perjury in his testimony to Congress. And all I can think is, are you kidding me? I’m glad that some members of Congress took time away from their incredibly busy schedules to pursue this.
I know how much work it takes to make sure we pass legislation that makes sure that people who declare bankruptcy cannot have their guns repossessed, because I know that making sure people under enormous stress and experiencing one of the worst situations in their lives can keep their weapons is priority number one. I think we should have added an amendment to give them free ammo for all those declaring bankruptcy so they don’t have to worry about that expense.
I know that making sure that a bill that would provide medical care to all our emergency workers who worked at ground zero wasn’t passed because the Republicans wanted to make sure that no funds would go to illegal immigrants took a lot of time.
And I know that they are so busy that they literally passed a bill entitled “The _____ Act of _____.” (You can’t make this stuff up.)
So even with all of this incredibly important stuff going on, I’m glad they took time out to make sure that Roger Clemens is taken to task. What more pressing issue can there possibly be? After all, Clemens must be taught a lesson for allegedly lying to congress. He certainly must not get away with this.
What Clemens did, after all, is much worse than the heads of big tobacco saying under oath that they don’t spike their cigarettes or that tobacco is not addictive. Clemens alleged untruths must be worse because these people were never brought up on charges of perjury. Clemens must be worse than auto administrators who have lied about the safety of their vehicles, or drug companies doing the same thing, or the last administration lying about intelligence, or heaven forbid all of the members of the financial community who have said things under oath that were patently not true. Obviously all of those things are not as important as the issue of steroids and so we must make an example of Clemens.
As long as Congress is wasting their time, and the time of their federal prosecutors, let me suggest a few laws they might better spend their time passing:
• Recording artists cannot release a greatest hits album until the tenth anniversary of their first song reaching the charts, or after having released a minimum of five albums in seven years. I’m tired of seeing a band releasing a greatest hits album after only their second mediocre album is out. (And yes I know they actually aren’t albums anymore but you can’t really call them CD’s either since I buy almost all my music as MP3s, so I’m sticking with the tried and true).
• All movies released on DVD must come with a director’s commentary. And if the movie scores below 40% approval on rottentomatoes.com the commentary must also include an explanation from the director why they created such a terrible film and an apology for wasting two hours of our life.
• Any person who talks about protecting their Constitutional rights must be forced to read the actual Constitution so they have some idea what they are talking about.
• Any state that has a death penalty must also institute similar laws for white collar criminals and state executions must be done in equal numbers. One state execution of a black man for killing a white person must be equaled by the death of a white banker/corporate exec, etc., who stole money from someone else, often those who can least afford it, like the minority communities.
• Everyone who takes Labor Day off must donate ten dollars to the labor union movement (a list can be stipulated). This does not apply if they are already a union member.
• Every corporation that donates any money to a political candidate, party, or PAC must list each and every donation and amount in at least 14 pt font on the first page of their website, on every public document released, in every commercial they run, on the bottom of their screen if they are a television station, and on their receipts if they are a retail business. For punishment for failure to comply with the law, the CEO could be subject to the penalty discussed above.
• M. Night Shyamalan must be forced to admit that The Sixth Sense was a fluke, movie studios and promotion departments have to stop making a big deal of his films, and everyone else must stop wondering when he is going to put out another good film. He's put out six already, our "sixth sense" should be telling us it is not going to happen.
• Sports announcers must stop saying RBIs. The acronymn is either run batter in or runs batted in. It is already plural, so you don't need to say it again. Yesterday, Robinson Cano had 6 RBI, he did not have 6 RBIs, just as on Saturday, Derek Jeter had 1 RBI.
• Television stations cannot increase the volume of their broadcast when commercials come on. The sound must be consistent for both the television show and the commercials. For possible penalties, see above.
• Airlines must be required to post what they charge for each checked bag on the first page of their websites. Have you ever tried to find this information on their site? It's nearly impossible.
• Daylight savings time must be eliminated.
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